@Ireland Curator: John Moynes

I'll be over at @JohnMoynes. See you all there.

So, next week's @ireland curator is Amanda Webb, AKA @Hamperlady. Hope she has as much fun as I did.

@ElaineHanley72 I wish I knew. @CardinalBrady was great.

@dotski_w Tom McFeely.

@chrisdaygalway It's what makes things heavy. Like a tiny chocolate cake.

@kencurtin Photoshop.

@paulmwatson No, I've run out of ideas.

@OwensDamien Yes.

@WeAreFilipinos A 1960s band fronted by Arthur Lee.

Ok, I'll be on a long journey shortly, so I'll be wrapping up my curation early. Any last questions?

@svknco That'd be handy. My clock is filthy.

So, all week @crmagahy thought I was a priest. This may explain falling mass attendance.

@AMManton Lucky you.

@crmagahy @linglang I haven't the education to look like a jesuit.

@linglang @crmagahy Some priest?

@crmagahy @linglang I'm most Twitter accounts these days.

@AMManton Aw, thanks.

@unakavanagh I think I have some in Dublin. Remind me on Wednesday and I'll have a look.

NASA are doing a great job faking this Mars rover mission.

@dleacht It matters to Senator Healy-Eames.

Shady far eastern gambling syndicates have been meddling with beauty contests for years. Most bookies no longer offer odds on them.

I'm hearing rumours that tonight's Rose of Tralee contest will be cancelled due to gambling irregularities.

@joeystrider I can't believe I went thirty four years without having this explained to me.

So, are mouths supposed to be open or closed when you're washing your hair? Also, when did this become a thing?

@Oireachtas_RX Hard to know where to start, there.

@paraicodonnell The rate of decline is accelerating at a slower rate than last week. Green shoots, turned a corner, etc.

Before we all start slagging off the VSO, how far away have you sent Healy Eames?

@kencurtin Yeah, I visited that Earth once. Strange place.

@Jim_Sheridan There were no other photoshops. None at all.

@paraicodonnell I can take pride in raising the statistics by seven percent.

@kencurtin How'd that work out for you?

@Jim_Sheridan It's still a bit early to count those chickens.

@kencurtin You really were very crumpled.

@kencurtin Once at USI Congress we considered having a whip around to get you an iron. We were worried about you.

@VCurrentAffairs I say! Steady on.

On behalf of everyone who has to write topical jokes in the difficult month of August I salute the brilliant Senator Healy Eames.

@Alan_199 Highly embarrassing. We both wore exactly the same dress to a party.

My week on twitter; 12 new followers, 34 retweets, 1 embarrassing encounter with a transexual sex worker.

@panagyria Do not go gentle into that dark night, but rage, rage against the dying of the light.

@spiritualissues More pressure. Thanks.

@BridgetFitz Have you tried climbing a stepladder?

Naughty children get no presents on Collinsmas, instead they recieve blood curdling threats from a Welshman.

Today is Collinsmas. This morning children wake up to presents that aren't quite what they wanted, just the best compromise available.

@Jim_Sheridan Nope, just something I forgot to mention during the week. Axe-control has gone too far.

@OwensDamien They don't show you the pipe smoking children any more though. That was always my favourite bit.

@obeoin Thanks, Eoin. That's a charming diagnosis.

@Jim_Sheridan I'm not that concerned about the paradise bit. I'm only in this revolution to massacre kulaks.

@spiritualissues You're welcome Vanessa. You'll find more of this nonsense over at @JohnMoynes.

@SuBuckley Thanks, Susan.

Don't worry though, @worldirish are giving me a new twitter account on a farm where I'll have lots of room to run around.

Some of you may be nervous about this, but as long as you follow my teachings and carry a big sharp axe you should be fine.

Today is the last day I'll be curating this account. From now on you lot will have to fend for yourselves.

@thenext100k Yes. There's n of them.

@anniewestdotcom Stop flushing him into me.

@anniewestdotcom I'm out of coverage for hours. I get back to twitter and you're still on about the Waters nip.

@faduda It's not the insults that worry me. It's a bright guy like Collins being so entirely wrong.

@faduda "tomorrow's readers". You may be begging the question, there.

@auntyamo It's very, very common. Boxing is a very firendly and tolerant world, but most of them are very religious.

@IrishPictorial I like the McGurk voice.

Anyone stupid enough to think that Katie Taylor's faith is rare in the boxing world shouldn't be writing for a living, Mr Waters.

@HayleyRockss You should invoice Nike. Make them pay for the advertising.

Twitter would a lot better if it was pre-modded by Stephen Collins and Terry Prone. #justsaying

The typo in my Fantasy Irish Times League tweet was deliberate. It's for, erm, legal reasons.

@Fergal You've really got to escape from the shackles of ontological determinism.

I'm setting up a Fantasy Irish Time League. Players choose a team of columnists and get points every time they generalise wildly.

@Fergal It's a warm, comforting delusion.

@MaeveHoulihan @nmcgivney Thanks Mary. I'd love to stay but daren't disobey @unakavanagh. I'll be back on @JohnMoynes next week.

@gnelis @uptomyeyes I say, steady on. Oh, you said "brow".

@colmtobin Yes, if Chechnya sounded more like vagina.

@gillmac @TWkLGBTQ I don't think most people have dreams that involve that much hard work.

@nmcgivney I'll be metamorphosing on Sunday evening. Like on Dr Who, but with more swearing.

@gillmac @TWkLGBTQ How many stars go I get for not sleeping with lesbians?

@TWkLGBTQ How does lesbian status work? Do you get points, or is there a league table?

@nmcgivney Galway? I suspect that Titanic may have been a fake.

@nmcgivney Also anachronistic. Sort that out.

Ever since I invented a new hive door for insects, life's been nothing but bee hatches and money.

@the_petking @maevemcg If you want you could read my tweets in a Limerick accent.

@borgig @the_petking That's it. Apply to @worldirish if you want to give it a go. It's great fun.

@CarolGertrude No, I want to stop them bouncing. Ah, sorry, got you now.

@conorobyrne I like your thinking.

Big family party tomorrow. I'm planning to tell the toddlers that you have to be over six foot tall to use the Bouncy Castle.

@RowenaNeville Carluccio's on Dawson Street is my advice.

@irishstu @travors I'm quoting, not approving.

@OwensDamien I'm moving in to the Ecuadorian embassy.

@irishstu @travors I'm quooting, not approving.

I should have added a recognised codeword to that last tweet.

Just bought eleven items at the "ten items or less" checkout. I'm a rebel.

@darraghdoyle Nope, Cork.

@faduda @JohnMoynes @IrishPictorial Ha!

@darraghdoyle How does it taste?

@PeopleOfUK You can fly?

Any chance you could do something about this weather, Cork?

@brownenutrition Yes. Even nicer than a chicken shake.

@boucherhayes I dislike climates in general.

@boucherhayes That ruins my plans for 2109.

On a day like today you just can't beat a bacon and cream cheese smoothie.

How come Tsarism, Bolshevism and Democracy all end up exactly the same in Russia?

@anniewestdotcom And now you've broken my head as well.

@thelittlepakeha Thanks, Chris.

@PeopleOfUK I've been called a lot worse in my time.

@PeopleOfUK I use it for hunting and making cappucinos.

@dleacht At least you're getting interviews. That's better than a lot of folk are doing right now.

@Jim_Sheridan There is something wrong with your brain, Sheridan.

@dleacht Best of luck.

For some reason Russia has started holding trials in a museum. broadsheet.ie/2012/08/17/a-l…

@paraicodonnell You can have Sleepy, Grumpy and Doc. But not Sneezy, he's contagious.

@iam_pakistan Now why would a man like that want to build a nuclear bomb?

@Jim_Sheridan You're gonna need a bigger screen. #justsaying

@colmtobin Have you seen The Two Watchtowers? Middle Earth gets invaded by Jehovah's Witnesses.

That said, it is very hot in here...

Just to clarify, none of my tweets will involve nudity unless it's vital for the development of the plot.

@PeteMcG_Dublin Great article, Peter.

@Ashfeldt @koth Excellent idea. Unfortunately, I have to go to Cork later. There's a dragon I have to slay. Long story.

@paraicodonnell I don't think it's safe to release those midgets until they've recovered. They could be dangerous.

@paraicodonnell Have some Ferrero Rocher.

@OwensDamien This is me not using my powers for personal gain.

@azinecalledESC @chopin_slut @jadeboylan @streetartmag Thanks for the FF.

Just for the hell of it, I'm going to recommend you follow these accounts, because it's Friday. @CarolGertrude, @OwensDamien @paraicodonnell

@jtcurragh This is female, so it's a wark.

So, if someone cloned a wasp/shark hybrid and it escaped, would it be likely to have any allergies? Asking for a friend.

@sarahrmurphy As far as I know the internet dates back to the nineteen sixties.

@unakavanagh I never saw that one.

@unakavanagh *evanesces*

By the way, you all got the TV show question wrong. It was Episode 4, Series 3 of Boston Legal. Better luck next time.

@Fergal They say it's a cake shop, but it's really a front for international muffin smuggling.

@Colmogorman I wouldn't have been able to resist.

@Colmogorman Did they say which cast member?

Some of you have rather strange taste in TV shows. I'm looking at you, @SoothSayerDude

Can anyone remember the name of that TV show with the theme tune and there was a guy who had that thing he'd always say?

@anniewestdotcom @mrs_bopp I know a guy who could get you one for a lot less, no questions asked.

@Jim_Sheridan There's no need for cutting remarks like that.

I'm judging a limerick competition right now. Unfortunately they haven't given me judging robes. This, I feel, is a mistake.

@colmtobin It implies causation, though.

@bigrig480 Yes, but then you run the risk of Biff Tannen marrying your mother.

@RugbyKino Scottish, for some reason.

@rice_e Maybe we should start by storming a consulate, see how that goes.

@redmadden The SAS really need to learn how to accessorise.

@bigrig480 Shooting yourself in a friendly fire incident would be very embarrassing.

Also, embassies are foreign soil, so you can cross timezones and become jetlagged just as you start to storm them.

The hardest part of storming an embassy is deciding what to wear. Something practical, that will look good on TV for years.

I don't know much about international law, but storming an embassy sounds like great craic altogether.

@_emilylisa Dustin the Turkey duetting with Lucinda Creighton.

@paddycullivan @FeileBelfast Thanks to the new government, people will now be offered free margarine.

@Fergal I see everything, Fergal. Which frankly is a mixed blessing.

@paddycullivan We should do a "You are now entering Free LondonDerry" mural, to offend both sides of the community. @feilebelfast

@paddycullivan I'm fairly sure Free Derry corner isn't in Belfast. @FeileBelfast

@Fergal To prevent future generations typing things like "invest on education".

Insurance is a nightmare for undead-hunters. If a zombie bites you after I've shot at it, legally I'm responsible. We need reform.

@marklittlenews Is this the modern mid life crisis? "Look at me! No watch! Like a young person!"

@MinorConcerns I did these about a year ago. I think the unit probably took seven or eight hours all things considered.

@TheKavOfficial "Candidates must provide own stake."

The scandinavians have an excellent anti-undead service. Irish people are often jealous, but don't want to pay the taxes to fund it.

@cribbs It's a shopping centre in Bristol. I'm not entirely sure how I know this.

In order to overcome the stigma against being killed by the undead I think Jedward should be eaten by a ghoul on the Late Late Show.

@adamjld @obeoin Yes, though Whoopi has mainly used her army to provide free breakfasts to poor people. That, and also invading Mexico.

The IMF are trying to force us to privatise our anti-undead services. I'm not sure I'd feel the same fighting vampires for profit.

Thanks @cribbs, that's very kind of you.

@obeoin "Z-day" is a scare tactic invented by the environmental lobby. There's no real evidence of a long term increase in the undead.

@thelittlepakeha Yes. Though fair play to SIPTU for trying to unionise these vulnerable corpses.

Coroners rarely return a verdict of death by undead horde, as there is still a lot of stigma attached to it in Ireland.

@obeoin Good point. The restless dead can cause unrealistic body expectations in young people.

You can normally kill a zombie by destroying the brain, but with skeletons you have to defeat the necromancer who summoned them.

@anniewestdotcom "NEW Antiques".

Obviously, we've always had zombies in Ireland, but the skeletons are a new problem, and require different tactics to defeat.

@MinorConcerns Thanks, they're Mantic models. Not sure why I painted them, to be honest.

@msmum They'd fit in well there.

Due to all the corruption in local government, there's been a lot of building work done on old burial grounds. Hence the undead problem.

Lots of undead activity in South Dublin today. Be careful out there, folks. pic.twitter.com/jJzDLWi2

@Danw3C Good thing I'm not under any pressure whatsoever.

@paddycullivan That's a coincidence. I also haven't seen it.

@PeopleOfUK Hi Liverpool. We should make a Big Brother Scientist show.

@PeopleOfUK "Celebrity" is a fairly vague word. Most people on twitter would qualify for Celebrity Big Brother.

@light_and_lit Exactly the same, except that instead of serving drunks food you do stand up comedy.

@light_and_lit Details? I spent years touring as a stand up. That led to some writing jobs.

@paddycullivan You should celebrate your 10,000th tweet with an old fashioned swear word. Something like quim should do the trick.

@leedalyire How about a wounded clown in an elevator with blinking lights?

@light_and_lit To cut a long story short, I repeatedly failed at everything else I ever tried.

@GTCost The mint should be in a near homeopathic dose.

@GTCost @paddycullivan Mushy peas also require mint and chilli.

I'm tired of people criticising me for being a working mother. I never know how to respond.

@minanja2207 Before he died, or like he looks today?

@AndrewNoakes @johncradden Multiple hats are available.

@misterebby And umbrella users seem to see nothing wrong with whacking people in the eyes with them.

I don't mind the rain on days like this, it's people carrying umbrellas that I really hate. Just buy yourself a hat instead.

@deshocks Great reply.

@dylanvarian Thanks Dylan, will try to maintain these low standards.

@dylanvarian I'm usually @JohnMoynes. Normal service will resume over there next week.

@neildelamere @darraghdoyle Luddite or not, I still owe you a pint.

@darraghdoyle I thought @NeilDelamere hated the twitter.

Apparently today's storm is called Xenja, was invented by Germans. thejournal.ie/ireland-storm-…

@boucherhayes @anniewestdotcom And now I'm stopping it.

@boucherhayes @anniewestdotcom Stop it now, both of you. Or I won't take ye to Disneyland.

@fhayesmccoy Don't worry, this account will have a new curator before it all gets out of hand.

@darraghdoyle If we could photoshop some lingerie onto the aurora borealis we'd rule the internet.

@darraghdoyle So that's how you get so many hits on worldirish.

@anniewestdotcom Stop bullying @boucherhayes. He's very sensitive.

In a surprise move I managed to get a script in before the deadline. It turns out I'd misunderstood the producer and wrote the wrong thing.

@unakavanagh Do you not feel sorry for the chuggers on a day like this?

If this storm picks up I'm going to stand on a clifftop with my shirt off, shouting.

@Enaregina The Ploughing Championships are great fun. I must try to get down this year.

@dleacht Giving money to Diageo.

@Enaregina It's about gathering together with friends in a cramped noisy pub and celebrating capitalism.

@WeAreAustralia You mean like this? youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRL…

I think it's time we returned to the true meaning of Arthur's Day.

@ashleymnunn @colmtobin Colour costs an extra seven cent.

@colmtobin I can do you one. Would you like it in biro or crayon?

@redmadden If you meet here you should live-tweet the seduction.

Julia Roberts must be very disappointed to learn that I left Westport two weeks ago,

Ikea are building a hotel. businessetc.thejournal.ie/ikea-hotel-cha… Guests have to walk through all the bedrooms to reach the checkout desk,

To be honest, this storm is useless. Just a bit of rain, hardly any wind. It's as if it isn't even trying.

Could somebody pause that weather, please? I want to go out.

@andreskris I'm exactly the same except that in real life I'm a loud bore. It takes more effort, and isn't worth it.

Since I took over this twitter account many strangers have stopped me on the street and said "Would you not put on some trousers?"

@leedalyire Oh man. You've still lost the run of yourself, haven't you? FIND THE RUN OF YOURSELF, WE'RE ALL BROKE. Sorry about that.

@NiallHarbison Who said that?

@leedalyire Is this about the bailout? It's always about the bailout these days when anybody mentions the Germans.

@derektroy Yeah, that's a real schoolboy error, there.

@roenaid1 I was really, really hoping you wouldn't.

I'm listening to 99 Red Balloons and waiting for a lift to a backgammon game. How did your life go wrong?

@jduggantodayfm This was bound to happen eventually, John. I'm a national treasure.

@lucygreenhalgh And next on TV3 "Sex Talk With Ma".

@faduda I hear you're a homophobe now, Father.

@SineadHerself For my next trick, I'll stand on the Luas and NOT hold the rails.

@Jim_Sheridan I didn't know you're also a biologist. How do you find the time after all that work as a transvestite?

@lucygreenhalgh That sounds about right. Top marks for honesty.

@Jim_Sheridan If that's all one job then the "team leader" bit is redundant.

@lucygreenhalgh On one interpretation of your question, until Sunday evening.

@anniewestdotcom I've died plenty of times and never believed it.

@ratskins I won't dance about a death, but, but, but; youtube.com/watch?v=9t4-zD…

@ratskins *standing ovation*

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan Not so fast. By tomorrow morning you'll be hating me again.

@dbdolehead Just remember, their property ladder is even more upside down than our's was.

@johnmadden78 I think you may have a better living room and worse pub than I do.

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan All joking aside, I'm glad to hear that. This is one of the rare times when anyone should take me seriously.

@dermotmagee Smooth.

@dbdolehead I know that feeling all too well. Best of luck, and when you find cash, bring some back.

@jon_mcgregor That was an old idea I'd never run with before. Being @ireland gave me a great chance to mess with it.

@johnmadden78 I'm far more open on twitter than facebook. Different social media backgrounds, I suppose.

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan Dee, I'm missing part of this conversation, due to the protected ac/. But great to see we can disagree civilly.

@dbdolehead Really? I hoped you'd got something here. I hope you can tolerate all their sunshine and prosperity.

And yes, typo in the first of that two part tweet, and I couldn't be bothered deleting and retweeting.

[cont] is different to how I act on @ireland. How many different ways of presenting yourself do you have?

So, offline, my family exoect me to be cheeky, and my friends expect me to be obscene. Online, my personal twitter account [cont]

@dbdolehead Congratulations. Signing off is one of the best feelings going. Wallow in it.

@hannigancork Yes, yes. You're absolutely right. In my case "squatting in" might be the best phrase.

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan That last tweet was an explanation, rather than an excuse. I'll respect you whether or not you see my point.

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan That's a fair point. To be honest, I got distracted after asking an honest question, and made a cheap joke later.

@Corcradee @MaudMonaghan Dee, I've seen some awful behaviour online, and offline. I'll make fun of both.

@jacqs70 Thanks, Jacqs.

It's the end of the second day of me curating this account. I don't know about you lot, but I'm enjoying this immensely. Thanks to you all.

@bristolsketcher Thanks. I'll try to maintain these standards.

@anniewestdotcom I notice that Broadsheet allowed comments under your cartoon. Like they're singling you out for bullying.

@roenaid1 And after I promoted you to the masses, too.

So, sometimes I think; that's a good cause, but the protest might be wierd. broadsheet.ie/2012/08/14/the… Ever get that feeling?

@patomahony1 @mediabite @harrybrowne Hey, I didn't say they were hypocrites. Though, that said, The Edge is a Hippocrat. Each to their own.

@colmtobin Thanks. I had to write a lot of stuff about bandits earlier, because you weren't here.

@colmtobin Welcome back to tweeting. Can the rest of us relax now?

Looks like Klout just noticed that nobody visits anymore. mashable.com/2012/08/14/klo…

@patomahony1 A lot of Ireland's wealth ended up in the hands of Bono's friends due to "tax innovation". So, yeah.

@sweden Ah, here now. That's too much to ask.

@slkav You're right. It's not advice at all. It's a poor quality joke. Basing your life on my jokes would be awful. Just look at me.

@LOcculta Yes. And Irish. No contradiction. It's like asking a parent of a second child if they love the first any less.

To all students' waiting for their Leaving Cert results; I screwed up my LC and now I'm, erm, well, maybe you should just repeat.

@MarcasPadraig And sadly, some of you hate it.

Everyone who answered my troll question earlier is racist. Shame on you all.

@MarcasPadraig That's a nice line. Damn those lazy trolls.

@katbitemusic That's more or less my entire lifestyle.

So, I was chatting to someone earlier about trolling. We couldn't agree on a precise definition. What's yours?

So @roenaid1 created this evidence to support her libelous Synge lookalike theory. pic.twitter.com/CaG9sZhr

@roenaid1 @JohnMoynes @Jim_Sheridan Brilliant work, babe.

@ccourtne As far as I know, yes.

@woolhatwoman @Jim_Sheridan He was. I was just putting on an accent to sound exotic.

@patomahony1 Sift carefully and you'll find the brass.

@patomahony1 At this rate I may have to try working in print media.

@patomahony1 Because you're a broadcaster. That's what we do. (Am also broadcasting at the moment. It won't last.)

This hot, humid weather is hard on those of us who wear masks and fight crime. Sweat rashes on the face is not a good secret identity look.

@patomahony1 Flying tomorrow? Will you be fighting crime, or using your powers for personal gain?

In this link, a national hero demonstrates how to tweet in an Irish accent. twitter.com/mickconlan11/s…

@roakleyIRL Of course. That's why I organised the storm in the first place.

@Tikkin It did indeed. Hopefully it'll last the week.

My girlfriend just said "You look like John Millington Synge a week after he died." So, you know, I've got that going on.

@Jim_Sheridan Do you have any idea how much drink I need to forget the dancer poster?

Remember folks, do not leave yoghurt outside during the hurricane tomorrow. It could get messy. irishexaminer.com/breakingnews/i…

@Jim_Sheridan That looks remarkably like me and the Da in the early eighties.

I wish Grazia would leave me and Jennifer alone at this time.

@roakleyIRL Set up a bank ac with two sigs. PayPal account to take money. Publicise widely.

@roakleyIRL Well, the first question to ask is this; how honest are we planning to be?

@roakleyIRL Yes, there is.

@Hollytorious I need an intern.

@Hollytorious @WstonesOxfordSt That sounds like a great idea. Does it involve any effort?

@Netherlanders We have it. You'll get it back when you pay the ransom.

Thanks for all the kind words about my harrowing train ordeal. I can't respond to you all individually because I'm a misanthropic introvert.

@Danw3C Both.

I used to share a flat with Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan. Actually, I didn't. But it would make a great sitcom.

I just met a hipster physicist who was into fusion before it was cold.

One of the advatanges to coming to Dublin during the week is that the sun rises earlier than it does in Kilkenny. #clutchingatstraws

@SpeltforChoice @Hamperlady That's very kind of you both.

@IamNWofFrance Welcome to the internet, North West of France.

My favourite memory of The Dandy was the brave series in 1986 when Desperate Dan tackled the thorny subject of hair loss is a sensitive way.

This article contains one of the finest words ever; "bignitude". thedailyedge.thejournal.ie/worst-opening-…

Heading into a meeting shortly. I hope nobody asks how my journey went.

@carolkav81 Thanks, Carol.

@talktojoe1850 That's your house, isn't it?

@davidcochrane @darraghdoyle @JohnMoynes @sineadcochrane Nonense, I was defmaing some other, recently employed, Belieber.

@melomys Sadly, I have no idea. It's hard to keep track of these things in the heat of battle.

@mcswedx Some minor cuts, bruises and dislocations.

@Nerin_ @worldirish Thanks Neil. It's surprisingly good fun.

@sweden @svtallsang That sounds fun. What's the show about?

@Smartheat I'd have hoped the muffins would be baked before this time of the morning.

@sineadcochrane Don't worry, he'll be too excited about his new job to complain.

@MulFrankie Passengers are reminded that this is a No Smoking train.

I visit the snack bar. No muffins. Typical.

WIth my final bullet I strike the ammunition crate on the chariot. It explodes, the bandits retreat. We are safe again.

I shoot the charioteer in the head, but his horses carry on regardless and the machinegunner aims at the train. It's now or never.

I regret punching the banker, but he's a lousy shot, I need his rifle, and First Class passengers never willingly part with their guns.

I drop my musket and make a dash for FIrst Class. Punching a banker on the chin, I take his rifle, and aim at the chariot.

The carriage is full of gunsmoke. As it clears, we see- oh no! The bandits have some sort of chariot, with a machine gun mounted on the back

The first wave of bandits reach the train, hurling giant spears in an attempt to break the windows. A volley of musket fire rings out.

We each pay our €12.40 and take a musket. One man shoots, and the other passengers glare at him. A wasted shot at this range.

Leaving Athy. Some men approach the train on horseback. Their gaudy boiler suits glitter in the morning sun.

We approach Athy. This is the danger zone. Wish me luck.

@Ashfeldt There's a team from National Geogrpahic on the train. They'll have the bandit photos in the October issue.

We just passed a canal. One barge was being attacked by another. I hope we don't now have piracy on our inland waterways.

@Princess_Sassy If the weather's good, get out to the west coast. Anywhere you go it's beautiful. Also, Cork's good for eating out.

@Princess_Sassy You'll be fine. They never attack Princesses.

@paulmwatson Ha!

@AspieJourno Like that, but wetter. The Old Wet.

On the horizon we spy a small bandit gang. They are returning home, laden with booty from an attack on a bus. Safe for now.

@jacqs70 We mustn't waste gunpowder like that.

@jacqs70 The porters fling the third class passengers at the bandits from a catapult.

Rain falls, visiblity is poor. Does this increase or decrease the chance of a bandit attack? All we can do is wait.

@MinorConcerns Ninety three cramped, sweaty minutes.

Of course, Irish Rail charge for the use of the muskets, except in First Class, where passsengers have access to complementary rifles.

The refershments trolley on Irish trains now carries several muskets so passengers can help defend the train against bandits.

On the train. A vast gentleman has poured himself into the aisle seat beside me and fallen asleep. I am trapped.

The bandits travel on horseback and wear boiler suits with intricate embroidery inspired by Irish Dancing costumes.

A decade ago banditry was eliminated in Ireland, but since the financial collapse many people have gone back to the old ways.

Waiting for the train to Dublin. Concerned about recent increase in bandit activity around Athy.

.@Sabre0001 In general, Muse were crap at the Olympic closing ceremony.

Looks like I picked the wrong night to retire from international soccer.

@fhayesmccoy I don't think we should discuss that in public.

@sextonireland To be honest with you, I didn't need a sinker.

@danhanley @AWanderingIrish I always do.

@fhayesmccoy Scotland.

@andrea_pappin @sarahrmurphy It's a program on the television where they talk about politics, but that's not important right now.

@2bscene That depends. If Bray comes in with a left jab, she'll dance off to the right and nail the town with an uppercut.

@AWanderingIrish @danhanley With a really big thumbtack. One for giants.

@redzer3008 They don't. They plant roll spores in the fig and it grows around it.

@GuyLeJeune Fusion, optical dissipation, genetics, boobs.

@psychusup It's still angry about that incident with the kettle.

@suzybie Why, what did your lunch do to you? I'll sort it out, once I can get it away from any witnesses.

@darraghdoyle Ah, I'm very familiar with projects that don't feature success.

@darraghdoyle "Stop throwing metrics at me. That just makes it worse," he said, interactingly.

@darraghdoyle Bit early in the week to make me obsessive about the numbers.

@misteil The important thing is that I do.

@philipreel It's always best to lean to the left.

@MDRN1 Grit, ashes, and the tears of the damned. With garlic mashed potatoes on the side.

@unakavanagh John Moynes.

@misteil Don't worry, I've had several. It all averages out. This is called the Law of Averages.

@saoili Hit it hard with a hammer.

@MarkFarrelly131 The toast breaks and falls off the cat. Seriously, I've tried this.

@unakavanagh Whatever age it says on the first passport I steal.

@danhanley Yes. Then I improve, and solve it.

By the way, do any of you have any questions? I can solve any problem, instantly.

@KathOMeara I certainly hope so.

@saoili There'll also be a romantic subplot, and a heartwarming bit about some kittens.

@sextonireland It's legal to hunt peacocks on Thursdays.

@ryandarren This is what happens when Revisionists get tenure.

@KathOMeara @broadsheet_ie That's very kind of you, Katherine.

It's almost three o'clock, known as "The Hour of the Gathering Clans" it is a very historic time in Ireland.

@spiritualissues Thanks.

I usually spend my lunchtime releasing snakes into the wild, to confuse fans of St Patrick.

Every day I write one of these. broadsheet.ie/2012/08/13/a-l… It may not make sense to non-Irish people.

@VCurrentAffairs Welcome back. Ireland missed you.

@thedogopera @CaBEEnet You just wanted to say congruence.

@CaBEEnet Ask the nice people at @worldirish

@wstokes36 Hey, that's my potato.

@auntyamo Thanks, Amo.

@missladyartemis Those castles are needed in case we get attacked by Vikings.

@roenaid1 Howya.

@andreskris We do that too. Only with corruption instead of typhoons.

@BeeForBattens @Jim_Sheridan Only of you do it proactively, on an ongoing basis.

@Jim_Sheridan Right, we'll give you Propaganda. Hours as per the CPA.

@obeoin Thanks a million, big fella.

@Jim_Sheridan Lovely work. You'll not be purged today.

On the 13th of August Irish people traditionally gather in a field and ignore a badger. What is your August Festival like?

@lornaocallaghan I like the hotness of the seat. The moistness is a different matter.

@midweshterner I'm not a fan of cake. I like savoury pies. Elevenses for all.

@Jim_Sheridan Design me a new flag, Sheridan.

@JillianvT Thanks. Now enjoy your break, and come back fighting for the Children's' Rights referendum.

@runmurphyrun Cheers Erin.

@JillianvT Thanks Senator. This governing business looks fairly easy.

@fhayesmccoy Didn't you hear? Your ironing now belongs to NAMA.

@kencurtin It's the best Craig since Craig David.

@boucherhayes @paddycullivan @Desbishop Don't tell me you're in the "Industrial Group" too.

@sweden That's a shame. Being born in a zoo would be pretty cool.

@kencurtin This is fun Ken. You should try it.

@dabarbarian @darraghdoyle And rightly so.

@newzealand @Grayzie Well played.

@aidanmadden Thanks.

@azinecalledESC Hey, don't tell everybody.

@Ashfeldt Top shed work. Well done.

@darraghdoyle Profound.

@newzealand I think it's chocolate.

@GuyLeJeune First I have to decide if I'm pro or anti inferno.

@WeAreAustralia @sweden It's bound to happen before long.

@azinecalledESC Glad to hear it. Magazines have often cheered me up.

@newzealand They'd just get chocolate stains on the Rembrandt again.

@WeAreAustralia @sweden Maybe we could use the power of twitter to get you guys a story. Solve a major crime, or commit one, or something.

The art in the north wing is priceless, but the orphans in the south wing are popular with the media. #Hmmm #HouseFireConundrum

@GuyLeJeune We designed it that way to discourage procurement.

Dealing with a house fire cam be stressful. Which wing of the house does one evacuate first?

What a coincidence! "The Roof Is On Fire" came on the radio at exactly the same time that my roof caught fire. Hang on, this isn't good.

@BridgetFitz Angela Merkel stole the cake. We tried to stop her, but she's insatiable.

@WeAreAustralia Same to you. Only, not from Australia. You probably guessed that.

@londonisyours Be careful in that London. Big place.

@newzealand And a great big Mi Wadi to you too.

Good morning, I am the voice of Ireland. My tweets count as Government policy. Who are you?