@Ireland Curator: Annie West

Right that's me gone.See you on the other side, Dr. Venkman. Say hello to your new Curator @donal_cahalane

Right that's me gone. Say hello to your new Curator @donal_cahalane

@philipoconnor Probably busy grooming.

@philipoconnor I'd need plenty of time to clear out before he gets here.

@craftybecky Depends on what she does with your hair.

One last thing. As @Ireland I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to @JerrySeinfeld for this . youtube.com/watch?v=Nk1EOc… #sorry#sosorry

@mariadkennedy I think I'd better shut up now

Apparently there's a new thing in #budget2013 that says every time you get an RT Revenue will take a fiver off your Tax Bill. Please RT

@fhayesmccoy Yep

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings Saying you're a Very Private Person while showing the nation your entire house on Room to Improve

@mariadkennedy *Tea all over screen*

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings #Tradition #TinOBiscuits pic.twitter.com/5aa6ZHtz

@mariadkennedy Oh. Wait. No. The *never really got over that* bit was about being caught not speaking Irish. Forget the other thing

@mariadkennedy sniff. Ah what. Shur I'm graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand PS Was not the dumpee (for a change)

@Tuigim Oh well I tried that once. Turned out it was EVERYONE in the Hothouse Flowers. Very very embarassing.

I certainly hope there will be counselling or rehab of some kind after this week.

@OwensDamien I know. And I couldn't even play the stupid bodhrán. I still get sweaty palms just thinking about it

@Tuigim Sounds kind of . You know. Naughty.

@mariadkennedy Well yes I am forced to agree despite him being *whispers* theex

@OwensDamien Sadly that is exACTlywhat I did say and got the 10 seconds of roaring silence followed by 10 hours of being pointedly ignored.

Dancing at the Crossroads #2 #ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings pic.twitter.com/fDRXCcmZ

@susankilkenny Is that you.

Never really got over that.

Even people who weren't Irish were speaking Irish.

Most embarassing moment of entire life. Stuck in a kitchen with O'Maonlai and several others and did I have a word of Irish, no I did not

@Tuigim @mariadkennedy Only known antidote is #morecake

@Tuigim @mariadkennedy Am having hideous awful awful flashbacks. Shrieking and gasping and clutching the edge of the kitchen counter

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings The Gathering pic.twitter.com/umF9Yqgu

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings This man in Bellnaboy pic.twitter.com/lw0bmbBU

@aoiph HAPfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

@sligotourism You're lucky I'm getting the sack in a minute

In case I don't get back. This is what I want played at my funeral. youtube.com/watch?v=VvO7HN…

Shortly I have to mysteriously stop limping and acting innocent and return to former identity. Must be what it's like to be Kaiser Soze.

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings pic.twitter.com/yvofNDGk

Does anyone know offhand what sort of conditioner Liam O'Maonlai used for that concert

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings. Liam O'Maonlai's hair. youtube.com/watch?v=XjjHFE…

#ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings This. From @GeorgePurdy pic.twitter.com/8BI2SIw8

Let us start the #ConveyorBeltOfFantasticIrishThings. Submissions welcome

@mariadkennedy Arf!. If ever there was a note on his door that said *Next time wear a WHITE shirt ffs* youtube.com/watch?v=XjjHFE…

Back in the day. Before Liam discovered the curling tongs. Ah dye remember @mariadkennedy youtube.com/watch?v=IOhrBh…

Would like to send this to @NiallMacSuain and @Tommycollison for my *inane rambling* all week . The next tweet is for you

Best portrait of WB #Yeats ever kickbollockandscramble.blogspot.ie/2008/08/best-p…

This is Ireland No. erm. Um. 8 I think pic.twitter.com/ZcOjxFZt

It's at moments like this that I wish I'd studied at school and not spent the whole time dossing. @mariadkennedy @Tuigim

@mariadkennedy @Tuigim Am now officially Out Of My Depth

What if it's Dickie Rock. And the Guard is 19. That'll never work. They'd need a *Deaun't you kneau who I am* sticker on the windscreen

So if a Guard stops you for speeding and you're Sonny Knowles Or Twink. Then what. Does it depend on the age/showbiz savvy of the Guard

So does that mean it's up to the Guards now to decide if you're a celebrity or not. Like the people who give you the Verified sign then

Hang on. You can wipe your penalty points if you're a celebrity? So does that mean. Wait. But. What

@mariadkennedy Musical heritage #3 @Rubberbandits

Horslips. pic.twitter.com/jSk9ss4R

You mean like this @EmilyAM pic.twitter.com/5N8fpdJm

And we can as a country be proud of our rich musical heritage pic.twitter.com/e48nCLaB

*No. Superman is *good*. *I* am *Fine*

What's this about. When someone says *How are you?* We used to say *Fine thanks*. Now it's *I'm *good*, thanks. As Seinfeld once said>

There are of course things Ireland can be proud of. Our Literary Giants, for instance pic.twitter.com/KzqQ9apt

@ThePangurBan Thank you Madame

@mariadkennedy Well that is indeed a compliment, thank you

This is Ireland No. 4 Like to dedicate this one to The Gathering pic.twitter.com/hCjfn214

@mariadkennedy Sorry but it does get sadder. Hang on. I might have a cheerful one *rummage rummage* pic.twitter.com/6t1iYbPf

This is Ireland No. 3 pic.twitter.com/0QvY1Qg6

This is Ireland No. 2 pic.twitter.com/yGWzoKyj

This is Ireland No. 1 pic.twitter.com/AyAKEjKQ

*I love what you did with your #dust, darling*. *Eau yeah. I got mine in M&S*

New thing. Make #dust a desirable thing to have in one's home. Feature it in TV Heaume Makeeauver preaugrammes.

@ellamcsweeney HApffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

@NiallMacSuain @cagssoc Owning an office is overrated.

#Banned thing No. 7. Prefixing the word *Farmers* with *whinging*. Those who do will be forced to farm for a fortnight #ettg

@Conor_Horgan @YearOfFestivals What. What. What did I miss.

@ellamcsweeney Husband says he doesn't need a Robot to milk his Cows as he has resigned himself to being one for the rest of his life. #ettg

@Claredaisy Still waiting for that Tractor gag. I'd tweet it but I can't remember it

@cagssoc Yes. That must be it. Or else he's working far too hard at the studying. @NiallMacSuain

MAKE PEOPLE THINK you have an iPhone by tweeting something and deliberately using the wrong world

@orielgirl1 Sobs quietly. Erm yes

@sherqui That was me wasn't it. Am very very sorry and it will never happen again

#Banned thing No. 6: No-touch Soap pumps.And the people who made them

You're welcome @NiallMacSuain

Ooo yah. Anyone need a Pardon @bazlyons

Tourists! Another fun thing.Get the biggest oldest looking book you can find.Then run out of TrinityLibrary shouting *I'VE GOT ITI'VE GOT IT

@pNibbler Someone in Germany I think

@MurrayDeans It's attention seeking and lazy is what it is

#Banned thing no. 4. Using the voice of Barry Murphy in TV license commercials because it ruins #IrishPictorialWeekly for me

.#Banned thing No. 3 People who put full stops at the beginning of their Tweets

#Banned thing No. 2: TV licence commercials that think they're funny, all of them, indefinitely

#Banned thing No. 1: People eating while speaking on television. Especially Ooom.Ummhh.Oafffhhhh noises. Yes I mean you Jennifer Saundsers

I suppose I could spend the day banning things. That might be fun

@cathyby Turns out I might be in a spot of trouble about all this erm . *runs away*

Frantic deleting

Wait. I've to *Pay* a #tenneraword. WHAT

Just putting the invoice together. Was told I'd be getting a #tenneraword for this week. Like #Marian

*Phil Hogan's brother claims he was targeted because of who he is*, followed by *Well because of who his BROTHER is* . Well meeOW #Marian

Just back from walking #eddiethedog. No corpse. Very disappointing.

Been walking this dog for four years now and not once can I say I've found a corpse. Only got this dog so I'd get a mention on the news.

Always imagined the day when Aenghus MacGhrianna would say those immortal words *...the body was found by a woman walking her dog*

I could also spend the day pronouncing the word *Minute* in a Jim Fahy style. Will begin in a Minyute.

Ah no. I'm going to make everyone get ready for Church in a minute @Donal_OKeeffe @Claredaisy @ireland

Dear @Claredaisy . . There is a joke here isn't there.

@AislingCahill @doogarry Oh all right

To be honest I'd rather sit on a couch beside a wet dog than do any of those things

Aaaaarish.

Or I could geau arind all day talking like the Slidereaubes ad woman. Deaun't you kneau. Because this accent is seau Irish

The kids don't take me seriously when I ask them to do chores. So today I'm going to ask again but this time I'm wearing a hoodie. #LoveHate

Actually no.

Not sure what to do for the rest of the day. Maybe do a sort of #Liveline #FunnyFriday and spend all day laughing at my own rubbish jokes

We're happy for you. RT @lukeming 10000 followers.

Also. Erm. Hypothetically. If you require the services of a couple of Fire engines. Does that mean I don't have to pay them either

If you you, say just for instance, you know, clock up, maybe, 12 penalty points as @Ireland does that mean you don't have to pay the fine

Oh @garethoconnor I forgot about the erm Fire. But it was only a smallish one

@paulmwatson I was joking. You do know that don't you

@paddycullivan Am pulling the other one. Can't hear anything

Fingers crossed, eh

<be the subject of a report by Paul Reynolds. Or David Murphy. Or both. You know what that means. @rtenewsnow

You know the game's up when the best you can hope for is a mention by Philip Bromwell in the Tinfoil section of @RTENewsNow I'd much rather>

Anyone know of an emergency contract cleaner that might work for nothing on a Sunday morning. Just.Erm. No reason.

*Walks into kitchen. Oh. Erm. @garethoconnor . Might want to rejig that *I think it went well* thing

@garethoconnor Only got arrested just the once. So yes thank you I think it went well

This should be something that could be addressed by #WOA. More women finding corpses= more mentions on the news.

Although the odds are stacked against me. I think @ipsosMRBI statistics showed that 98% of corpses were found by *Men* walking their dogs

@mcculld Apparently. I only found out the other week myself.

@mcculld And being a Protestant Party it was, of course, over by Ten.

erm. Um @mcculld but you were invited. Yes. Wasn't he @Claredaisy #IrelandOfficeParty and The Boss was here looking for you and everything

Right. Finishing this #IrelandOfficeParty in five. Four. Three. Two. O pic.twitter.com/wZZWhAqZ

Erm that might be the roast chicken we forgot to take out of the oven #IrelandOfficeParty @ZwartblesIE @AbiePB

@JohnBurnsST @eithneshortall Not unusual. Works for me

@AbiePB It's in the oven. Turns out that's what the Fire extinguisher is for.

*Guinness. Made of more*. Made of more what.

Well SOMEbody was smoking @AbiePB

Must be pretty frustrating to be @niallhoran these days

@AbiePB Here. Hold this fire extinguisher please #IrelandOfficeParty

@carryoutashtown See yis tomorrow bright n early eh

*Hello, is that AAA Cabs? Can I have 10, 905 Taxis please #IrelandOfficeParty

@Colmogorman @fionnansheahan Ha. Ooo lovely . New word

@berniequinn @boucherhayes @TherealGerRyan *SCREAMS*. WHAT. is THAT

Just realised I never asked if it's OK to have a @IrelandOfficeParty. erm. soz @worldirish I'll pay for any damage no really

OUT. OUT. All of you. OUT It's kick bollock and scramble to get this place in order for the next guy #IrelandOfficeParty

You know the #IrelandOfficeParty is over when O'Maonlai starts gearing up for the ould Black is the Colourrrrrrrrr

@fionnansheahan @colmogorman Should really ideally read *...will be frowned upon with extra cros frowniness* . Or frownality

Look who's arrived. Fashionably late as usual #IrelandOfficeParty pic.twitter.com/C80a7U5Y

Nobody leaves this #IrelandOfficeParty until I find out who put a #PhilJupitusintheNip in my Broom cupboard. Come on. WHO

@niallhoran If it's Twitter you mean then it's anniewestdotcom. If it's my Bank account you mean, you're wasting your time. #empty

SCREAMS #IrelandOfficeParty

#IrelandOfficeParty *Opens Broom cupboard door and pic.twitter.com/wxRymjhp

WHO let these people in #IrelandOfficeParty pic.twitter.com/C51gmMtb

Wait. Wait a minute.#IrelandOfficeParty Who's going to tidy up this me...OH MY G

@TherealGerRyan SCREAMS

Turn up the record player Mary. We have decided that thish ish the new erm National Anthem #IrelandOfficeParty youtube.com/watch?v=ptDz5B…

Eau all right one more record, just one . Then you have to geau heaume. This porty is EAUVER youtube.com/watch?v=dTAAsC… #IrelandOfficeParty

If you want to fall around the floor laughing read @JohnBurnsST

Come on now, time to geau heaume everyone. It's after TEN, for goodnesssake #IrelandOfficeParty

Was someone SMEAUKING in here. Who was smeauking. Come on. Eaun up this minute #IrelandOfficeParty

@JohnBurnsST W00t W00t

*Breaks #IrelandOfficeParty window and climbs in* What's going on. What's that sme

@liamhana No

Oh all right @stevewickham @Mickpuck you can come in . But give me those tin whistles *bends in half, chucks out window* #IrelandOfficeParty

Who brought those stupid Gourmet Crisps in here. OUT. OUT the WINDOW #IrelandOfficeParty

Ah here. Would yih quit singing diddle dee eye tunes. You're ruining the #IrelandOfficeParty *Puts on anudder record* youtube.com/watch?v=AsNTmj…

Turns out nothing kills a party faster than some ould hippy wanting to do a bit of Sean-Nos #IrelandOfficeParty. Oh Hi Liam

Just as an experiment. I'd like to see #Twink being interviewed by @grahamnorton. Just to see.

Ah Louis. *People at heaume. We need veautes*. You're from Kiltimagh, for goodness sake. #xfactor

Anyone ready for Cocktail sausages yet#IrelandOfficeParty

Excuse me. Getting bags of Tayto and mashing them into bags of mush and LAUGHING is not fair on everyone else. #IrelandOfficeParty

Look at @naoisen and @Marklittlenews with their Air Guitars.Snigger. It's like something from #TheGathering2013 #IrelandOfficeParty

WHAT. WHAT. I CAN'T HEAR YIH Ah put on anudder record, is it . Righ. youtube.com/watch?v=GonQSH… #IrelandOfficeParty

@naoisen Ah do. Somebody wants to hear yeh. #IrelandOfficeParty

Anyone seen philipnolan1 . Saw him behind the couch a minute ago. He's wanted at the door #IrelandOfficeParty

Right. J*hn W*ters is outside. Everyone got their peashooters ready I hope #IrelandOfficeParty

SHUSH. ShhhhhUUUUUUsh. @naoisen wants to do a sean-nos. i SAID SHU....Ah here. youtube.com/watch?v=CYHGh6… #IrelandOfficeParty

What. Spies from #TheGathering2013 in the kitchen? @TherealGerRyan @Claredaisy Let's PANTS them #IrelandOfficeParty

Louder. WHAT. I SAID LOUDER . WHAT. LOU nevermind #IrelandOfficeParty

Well seeing as Bruce Springsteen is utterly obsessed with Ireland

*Puts record on ancient record player. Turns up to 11. youtube.com/watch?v=CYHGh6… #IrelandOfficeParty

I'll be deducting that from your allowance @marklittlenews I heaupe you kneau. #IrelandOfficeParty

Hello. Welcome to the #IrelandOfficeParty. Here's your peashooter. Hello. Welcome to the #IrelandOfficeParty. Here's your peashooter.

GET the GUN. QUICK. Waters is outside @TheRealGerRyan

What. WHAT. I CAN'T HEAR YOU #IrelandOfficeParty

Oh. OH NO. #IrelandOfficeParty Somebody tell @marklittlenews not to swing out of that massive Waterford Cryst....never mind

okay I think they've gone #Irelandofficeparty @mcculld #boucherhayes

Oh wait I think I see @mcculld and @boucherhayes coming up to the front door. QUICK EVERYBODY HIDE #IrelandOfficeParty SHHHHHHHH

Excuse me. @davidcochrane . EXCUSE me @davidcochrane. Could you get off the good couch please #IrelandOfficeParty

Waht do you mean Led Zeppelin aren't Irish. Course they are. #IrelandOfficeParty

Let's have a bit of music eh #IrelandOfficeParty youtube.com/watch?v=9J8-xm… #Zep

What is that terrible noise. Oh. *Turns off #xfactor*

WHAT

PLEASE. USE the COASTERS #IrelandOfficeParty

Have some of this lovely non alco Fruit Punch. No really it's lovely. IT'S LOVELY #IrelandOfficeParty

I had a wee nap. Am all sparkly now @MDRN1

I told you this is going to be a proper civilised well behaved no drinking #IrelandOfficeParty. We can play Twister and everything

Used to think there was no way anyone could murder a song like Westlife. Turns out I was wrong #xfactor

More sandwiches. More sandwiches. #IrelandOfficeParty

Here. @graapples What are you doing. Put that down. And what's that in your bag.

But if you wouldn't mind just using the COASTERS please

YEWWWWW Raise me UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUp[

*Christopher. That is a very hard song to sing*. And an even harder song to listen to #xfactor

Might have a quick nap

Yes @cagssoc Marietta AND Custard Creams

Right well if I didn't call it the #IrelandOfficeParty and instead called it something naff like #thegathering would you all turn up

might need to make a few more sandwiches #IrelandOfficeParty

Yes you are all invited #IrelandOfficeParty. You may bring sweets and #cake. Use the coasters please

BEhaved, even

Now this is going to be a proper well bahaved #IrelandOfficeParty. No alcohol just red lemonade sandwiches,Wham Bars and the #TinOBiscuits

Making sandwiches for the #IrelandOfficeParty. Any of you allergic to egg

Manusamoa Tuilagi. There's a fella who might be good at changing Duvet covers

Things I found out about the GAA #2 . The Square Ball pic.twitter.com/Z1wIE4QM

You know foopball matches would all be like this one on the telly if they just got rid of goalkeepers

Things I found out while being @Ireland No. 1: GAA pic.twitter.com/eHfDpXyd

Sobbing and swearing. Puts Plucky Woman With Can-Do Attitude to one side and announces that changing the Duvet Cover is now Men's work

I don't know much about Physics. But whatever I did there are now only three corners on this Duvet

Remember the olden days. Before Duvets. Sheet then blanky then another blanky then bedspreadthatalwaysfelloff then a couple of coats

Am now inside Duvet cover

Did the turning it inside out thing. Cover is now on inside out. Despair

Trying to change King Size Duvet Cover. Not as easy as it sounds. Am only five foot two

@Storyful @storyfulpro Is it ok to follow even if we don't work in a newsroom but are just nosy

@suzybie Is that #code for something

@suzybie @kencurtin @davidcochrane @DdeBreadun WHAT DID YOU DO TO RONAN

How's that going for you @suzybie do tell

#IrishPictorialWeekly *This programme is suggested for a mature audience*. WHAT

@berniequinn That's what keeps me young, girleen

@berniequinn One at a time I think. So each one can see what's about to happen. Start with the nicest on and work our way down.

@PaulClancyNL *Applause*

@MartinFitz Oh no, we couldn't do that to @suzybie. That would be just terrible and awful. Wouldn't it.

@berniequinn All in one go or separately

@EyeBlinks Yup.

Spare a thought for poor ol @suzybie. The aroma of Lynx Dark Temptation must be almost overwhelming

*Checks Rule Book* @EyeBlinks I cannot impeach Non nationals, unfortunately

Here, @suzybie . Lean over to Ronan Mullen and whisper *How did you feel when you got turned down for that lead role in the Inbetweeners?*

@KendaEnney No.

@GioraMoore Thank you *blushes*

@suzybie AH AH AH AH AH AH *thunderclap*

If you happen to have any suggestions for an oul Impeachment please by all means send them over.

Might do a few Impeachings later on. Or is that Impeachments

@rayinprague You can use my peashooter.

@suzybie Just, you know. Wondering. #RonanCartoonSpermyPyjamas

Really, @suzybie @ConsConv . What is the Senator wearing.

@paddycullivan Rolls eyes. Ah here. Not again

@fionnansheahan What other stuff. Tell us. WHAT. Other stuff.

@Alan_199 Have you seen my cooking. Well. Have you.

*Runs in, shouting and wheezing: *CAKE. CAKE. CAAAAAAAAAAKE. Please* @OHehirsBakery

Only one place I wish to be. Only one place I wish to spend what's left of the #groceries lolly. And that place is @OHehirsBakery #Sligo

*All right, wee man, you can pack my bags. But pack them alphabetically please* Wee man tries this for a minute then bursts out crying

Need to get home quick before the kids wake up so I can hide the biscuits

Wonder what @stephenkinsella, @brianmlucey, @DmcW and @gtcost would manage in a Supermarket Dash. I'd watch that.

@paradelady Morning? It's half twelve, girl

@paradelady My deepest apologies. I should have known that. ....erm. Morning!

@Alan_199 Tell you what. I'll come to your house and show you my cooking skillz

Think I'll make a pop-up shop selling erm. Stuff. Then flee.

@paddycullivan Kind of embarassing now, isn't it. Somebody should say something

RT @AlsBoy: I think this qualifies as misunderstanding of the week. twitpic.com/bi3ciu

Ah yes the TICK @rayinprague You mean the things we occasionally find on the Dog? Well in our house they both have the same value

@paddycullivan Or if you really want to watch Art Movies, from a gennnnnnruh, try Rawhead Rex. You won't be disappointed.

For some people getting a Blue Tick is everything. Guarantees you an excellent spot in the Graveyard, I'm told pic.twitter.com/8BMyaa0h

Can I not have a Verified sticker? I'm Ireland forgoodnesssake. And I can prove it

No, not that one. THAT one. THAT one. No, not that one. etc

Oh No! @Alan_199 I think @michealMartinTD is younger than me. Which is a tragedy

Ooo lovely @GTCost @brianmlucey has just invented a new, much funner #groceries game. Bring your AK47 to the fruit counter

Well hello @MichealMartinTD. Erm. Um. ehhh. *shuffle shuffle. Awkwardness. *puts kettle on*

Heh. Look everyone @Alan_199 has invited me to his house to erm Cook something AH AH AH AH AH AH *thunderclap*

@talktojoe1850 1845. Oh no. Wait. That was the Famine wasn't it. Erm

@paddycullivan Ghostbusters. A Hard Day's Night.

@paddycullivan probably

Well @GTCost @brianmlucey @DMCW I just wear mine. Gets me right to the top of the queue really quickly.

Best fun ever

No, not that one, THAT one. No, THAT one. No, not that one, that one. That one. No. Not that one.

Best part of #groceries At the meat counter. Hello Mr. Butcher. Pointing at chop. *No, not that one, that one. No, THAT one. NO, THAT one

Says on here *CARING* Shampoo. How do I know it cares. How much does it care. Does it really care. It's an inanimate object. #groceries

Bottle of stuff. Big sticker on it that says *NEW!* Well erm yeah. That's why I'm buying it #groceries

@susankilkenny Sort of purple.

Parsnips. NOW ONLY 20c. Not sure what one would normally expect to pay for a parsnip but thank you for letting me know anyway. #groceries

NO. Bag Packers. NOOOOOOO

Nearly at the finish line. Nearly there. Nearl....OH NO

Dropping a few bottles of Whiskey into Reverend Linton's trolley while his back is turned #groceries

*Gourmet* Soup. Hilarious. #groceries

Compote. WHAT

@fmacconghail @guardian Literally, in some cases. #papercut

youtube.com/watch?v=g89NxT… #Budget2013 #Marian

Also. Dear Supermarket owners. Playing Celine Dion at full volume is not helpful and leads to murderous thoughts

@ColinJM Well what are they.

Ah now @Alan_199 I'm afraid you overestimate my ability to make home cooked food. And my interest in same

Tourists! Another fun thing to do. Go to any supermarket and carefully drop packets of Pink wafer biscuits into other people's trolleys

Why waste good stickers telling us this product is NEW. It isn't new. It's Daz. #groceries

*NEW! Larger Format!* Really. What's wrong with just saying *This is a bigger bottle* #groceries

Best way to do the #groceries is to pretend you only have 8 minutes to get everything. Unlike every other person in this shop, apparently

Right. *grits teeth* grocery shopping. anyone want to help a little old lady with the trolley

@philipoconnor Well excuse me young man but I do not need help with parking.

@paddycullivan OH THAT'S SO MEAN. What I meant to say was erm . Because. Erm . Um. Runs away

@paddycullivan Because his Mammy repainted his room.

Parking in Dublin is only a Euro an hour? That's cheaper than Sligo.Brilliant. In that case I think I'll drive to Dublin for the groceries.

@paddycullivan Aw. That was mean. What I meant to say was erm. Um. Yeah. Somethingsomethingsomething

@paddycullivan Well the chippers of #Sligo have been having a bonanza year so far

Tum te tum *waits*

You'd sort of miss Westlife around the place.

@Tweet_Dec @Independent_ie @ShareThis Well now. That should be interesting. Cough. Erm.

Harumph. Never realised you had to be a Nerd to read a book. #Latelatetoyshow

@UnaMcCaffrey Good for the wee speedreaders, huh.

Here @TConnellyRTE where's that #TinOBiscuits

Waiting for that Liberty insurance bit where he's going along the pavement , talking to the camera and then slams into a lamp post.

@susankilkenny Oh . Yes. Have you met annie-west.com Read the bit about *How to write romantic fiction*

I have three kids. None of them are like those kids. #LateLatetoyshow

@niallhoran No, but I thought about it a few times

I see Ryan Tubridy is wearing @conor_pope 's jumper. #latelatetoyshow

Hideous , hideous, terrifying hospital nightmare. And then, Mrs. West woke up, screaming and screaming leovaradkar.ie/wp-content/gal…

Right. Hm. *Gets out tiny pencil stub and grubby notebook* Deeeear...Santa....Please can I have...this Dental set #Latelatetoyshow #varadkar

Worked on the #latelatetoyshow once. Left shortly thereafter . #theincident

@doalty K.

@IrPsych Oh I'm here all right. Just waitin for the tae

Ai hem speakin in a Joey Barton eccent thees eefeneeng. Arright

That wasn't Brush Shiels earlier was it #Latelatetoyshow

Kerrygold inadvertently summarises Ireland's exports: *Horse to France. Muck to Germany*

Well @janeruffino @johnmadden78 I could lock myself in the basement. But there is no basement. Also am getting kind of homesick

Well on the bright side the #LateLate toy show means *No Twink this week*. Well erm probably

@Danno375 A clean rap sheet.

@johnmadden78 @janeruffino Awwww you're just too kind. Only a couple of days to go . *Gets duplicate keys cut*

I think @gavreilly you're the only person that noticed.

Oi. Kerrygold commercial guy. Sit up straight for goodness sake

@Danno375 That's okay I'll just use the OTHER ONE AH AH AH AH AH AH *thunderclap thunderclap thunderclap*

@j_goddy Oh Lord

@Danno375 AH AH AH AH AH AH *thunderclap*

@DanLifeCoach No. I added Oncology to yours. I win.

The many and varied facial expressions of Richard Boyd Barrett pic.twitter.com/xl4lc9ED

@Writersweek Whups.

@DanLifeCoach ..and four million of us.

@Claredaisy Ha. Yeah.

Would like to see a #LoveHate montage of erm Clips for the Angelus

Man from Kerrygold commercial arrested at Customs for attempting to fly to Germany with a biscuit Tin full of muck.

@EleanorFitz Foiled again.

@irishfoodguide I don't have time

Great. Not going to get anything finished now pic.twitter.com/CXEiMYlO

oooo @liamhana time for a few spelling lessons

@rickoshea Reminds me of the politician who once said *It's like closing the stable door after the Horse has bolted it*

Well @wordhoarding Just do what I do and insist that they're supposed to be like that. Next thing you know everyone will be eating *charré*

@berniequinn Not at this rate no

I apopear to be playing LinkedIn Chicken with @danlifecoach

Dept. of Ag recommends *the continuing operation of Fur Farms*. Good news for J*hn Wa*ers then

@rickoshea Casablanca II: The wrath of Renault

@noflashingneon No. Well I don't think so. erm

On the bright side. mmmm. firefighters. #marriednotdead

@form_architect @andrea_pappin I remember it. Caused minor riots. Proper, organised riots

Am living , sort of breathing proof that not all Protestants spend all day making Tray Bakes.. End of stereotype. End of discussion

Call off the survey @ipsosMRBI. #smoke #flames #traybakes

Right. Trying one. Mmm. Nom. Oh. *Ptooi Ptooi* erm. #traybakes

They seem to be taking a while to cool. Hang on. Anyone got a fire extinguisher #traybakes

Okay. Who wants one. Wait. Just scrape off that carbon. Unless you like carbon. #traybakes

Smoke alarm going off. Tray bakes are ready

@andymcgeady A medal. Yes please. Something that I can bring down to Thomas Geeeeeeaaarrrrr heeeerrrrre

Well hello @elmitocarboni

@charlieconnelly BURSTS OUT CRYING

@charlieconnelly Shhhh. They haven't found me yet

Staff of @ipsosMRBI return from tea break, open Twitter feed and go *what the

@Colmogorman @IpsosMRBI I also am married to *one of our lot*. I don't think it makes any difference, I still can't cook

QUICK. QUICK. LOOOOOK. It's @charlieconnelly

Right. Am off to perpetuate a stereotype by doing Tray Bakes. No idea what is required. But am Protestant so irt should come naturally.

@boucherhayes @OLDEFARM No you don't. There's loads of jobs going in the @farmersJournal. Some of them you might even be qualified for.

@deirdremullen Awaiting results.

Right. Am asking @ipsosMRBI to do a Protestant survey. Question 1: Have you ever made Tray Bakes Question 2: What is a Tray Bake

Well if it isn't @KennedyLouLou what's on the menu Madame #starvin

#Todaypk , on Pot bellied Pigs. *They crave companionship, and they're hugely intelligent* Expecting amusing tweet from @Boucherhayes

Says here . *Similar to you: Piers Morgan* WHAT

@VCurrentAffairs @liseinthecity And maybe give up the fags

@liseinthecity Mmmm. I hope they're not expecting me to give it back. Because I won't.

@PowersFlowers We are an emphathetic people here in #Sligo. Is that a word or did I just make that up

@boucherhayes @IpsosMRBI A survey ought to be done on whether Protestants are actually any good at making Jam. Results would be surprising

@liseinthecity I got one! pic.twitter.com/3fIOjITA

You know what, the @ISPCA1 have a Christmas shop.

Reasons I like #Sligo Episode 2 pic.twitter.com/Bp55u581

@boucherhayes @AgriAware Would very much like to meet the person who got the job counting them.

@boucherhayes @IpsosMRBI What did the Irish Protestants say.

@rickoshea *Convincing* Dave Fanning .Heh. Yeah right. Tried that once. Once.

@liseinthecity @JonathanHaynes @ThePoke @_TJScott @TheGrammarGarda If your gonna spell it spel it rite.

Waiting for #todaypk to say *There we have to leave it* #code

@patriciamacb What could that possibly mean *gets dizzy*

Dave Fanning could say a lot more on Twitter seeing as he doesn't need to bother with those annoying spaces between the words. @rickoshea

*Thatwithstanding*? Is that a word now? #todaypk

Well for what it's worth, we all think @morning_ireland is lovely. pic.twitter.com/ekWMk9X2

@TherealGerRyan Well the bit I did see was screamingly funny all right

Micheal Martin turns to his handlers and says *I didn't actually say that, did I?...............Did I?* #Irishpictorialweekly

@TherealGerRyan Hmmmm. I liked the Micheal Martin Bad Lip Reading. Missed most of the rest of it

@GTCost Tom Lehrer. Mathematician, musician, wit. Genius. @stephenkinsella @brianmlucey

@TherealGerRyan Just walked in

#rtept pic.twitter.com/bX4vF7Hr

Turns out there actually is someone more annoying than Eamon Ryan. #rtept

Is that lloyd Cole from the Commotions on #rtept . Ha. Cole. #ahforgetit

Expecting Patricia McKenna to say *Well what if TWO Meteorites hit Sellafield, at the same time? Well? It MIGHT happen* #rtept

So this is about nothing happening. So . Erm. Uh #rtept

Hugely confused now

Sellafield? Wait. How long have I been asleep #rtept

This has only been topped (to my knowledge) by Boris Johnson with a quadruple negative *I could not fail to disagree with you less*

*People...do not have a disincentive not to work*. Crikey. A triple negative. #rtept

@niallhoran Very surprised you haven't found some way to shamelessly exploit this .Hmmm. *Thinks* Will come up with shameless business plan

Best fun ever.Told daughter I'm being followed by @NiallHoran. Then realised it wasn't fun at all as she pushed me off the chair,screaming

In the (unlikely) event Leo Varadkar is reading this. Diddledee eye dee dee diddle iddle iddle. Slidin down the rainbow broadsheet.ie/2012/11/29/the…

Actually @andrewmmadden that shrieking at inappropriate moments thing is happening already even though I'm still alive.

@MDRN1 @berniequinn @ElaineEdwards @BMacGo #slacks? like trousers with those annoying bits of elastic at the bottom? Yeah. They exist

@AnseoAMuinteoir Ah blast. Haven't done homework since third class.

@andrewmmadden I would. I'd come back and rattle around, shrieking at inappropriate moments

@ladydotty Good excuse for a PARRRRRRRty

A little something for all our friends in America yes I mean you @NinaLDiamond @MCDanforth @MorinToon youtube.com/watch?v=iWFd-2…

@andrewmmadden Yeah. I bet those animals are watching it , raaaagin

*Well I think that Manager was very rude. I'm going to TWEET about him to my THOUSANDS of FOLLOWERS*. Instantaneous Free Lunch.

Tourists! Another fun thing to do. Go to any restaurant, have a huge feed, then pick a minor fight with the Manager. Then say very loudly>>

Wait. @AnseoAMuinteoir . Do I have to do homework after this @Ireland thing? Like an essay? WHAT

Reason I'm interested in that programme called Dead Money is I intend to spend every penny I have while I'm still alive. @andrewmmadden

@andrewmmadden Well I was. And then boom. Nothing.

Some economofun for @stephenkinsella @brianmlucey and erm @gtcost youtube.com/watch?v=UQHaGh… #TomLehrer

@davidcochrane I like this word. I may even love it. May I steal it once #geektacular

@ZwartblesIE Oh. Erm. Hadn't thought of that

Jeepers RTE2. *Another* short cartoon from Czechoslovakia.

Here's a thing. Win! Stuff! worldirish.com/story/16651-co… (via @worldirish and @darraghdoyle )

Tourists! Another fun thing to do. Drive your car slowly up any driveway and watch as the occupants frantically look for the good Tea set

How's that #TinOBiscuits coming along

Good grief. Where is that JervisStreetCommercialAdWoman from

See? @cooper_m said it again. Seven Cycle Paths. I'm not mad after all @lstwrd

@DangerFarm oGod

@DangerFarm Well by all means fire away. Might not react the way you were expecting though

So embarassed @lstwrd Thought @cooper_m Martin McDonagh and Sam Rockwell were talking about a new Road safety film called Seven Cycle Paths

Yes well @davebolger @LuddLite *Research* also covers that other thing we call *Copying*

@LuddLite @davebolger I always put in for those hours I like to call *research*

@hejjet Yes please

@magnumlady noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

@paudy67 You're just too kind.

@boucherhayes Yeah. Well. No change there then.Huh. I'm not scared. Starts biting nails

@paudy67 Not really. Am married to one though

There must be a box of Lounge Tunes in #RTE for those complete breakdown moments

@Claredaisy #YourejustJealous @boucherhayes @ireland @farmersjournal

@boucherhayes Oh all right then. Leinster. @farmersjournal

*Shuffle shuffle* Erm. Cough. There now follows a short cartoon from Czechoslovakia #RTE #Mooney

@marloft Well only a few.

pic.twitter.com/JGuIj7he

@LuddLite BaBOOM

Anyone seen my Pencil sharpener

@boucherhayes @farmersjournal I haven't heard the words *Craven Suck Up* since Primary School.

@boucherhayes @farmersjournal Now then. Steady on old boy. Here. You can be in charge of Connacht

@OHehirsBakery *Jumps in Horse & Cart*

Brilliant. Just in time. @OHehirsBakery Any #Cake left

Eeek! #Cheers fans! Andy Andy is on #Liveline

@HigginsDes I really don't think it's worth all that. You'd be hugely disappointed.

Awww thaaaaaaaaaaaanks @farmersjournal @boucherhayes

You know the game's up when you notice TDs walking into a pre Budget meeting wearing Flak jackets.

Bad news for people who still have Treauphy Heaumes. #newsatone @Fionnansheahan

@HigginsDes NO

@HigginsDes It's not that kind of country.

3 hours ago I decided to tidy cables under desk.Am now sitting under desk , covered in dust , cursing and sobbing

@cmcgovern Perhaps

Hasn't rained in #Sligo since Monday. This @Ireland thing is amazing.

If one is tweeting as another person, is it rude to repost Gags of Old. Suppose so.

@boucherhayes And when might you be retweeting a certain small ad in the @FarmersJournal *cough*

@MDRN1 Yep.

@MDRN1 Ah no. Just hanging around

@boucherhayes This is your new job now. If you play your cards right I might give you a County.

@declanburke @paysan Yes. Me too.

@boucherhayes Are you being cheeky young man

At the risk of annoying everyone, yet again, @eamonambrose Or this. youtube.com/watch?v=x_2tSG…

That Jim Keltner makes drumming look very easy.

Aw. George Harrison anniversary today. Well we're just going to have to play this again #anyoldexcuse youtube.com/watch?v=-mri_B…

@EyeBlinks Really? We never had those. Might be because our cows are C of I

So there's a Late Late show ticket scam. Could make unkind joke but shan't

You'd be surprised @boucherhayes how few people believed me yesterday when I walked down the street demanding due deference in a loud voice

@boucherhayes I think you meant *You're*. Now run along and fetch me my tea and toast.

Wow. @DonnellyStephen . You must have done something really bad. Were you caught doing something on the Photocopier

Mrs. West's Handy Weather Tweeting App (for @shanehegarty) pic.twitter.com/cKN9MUMS

Yes, @EyeBlinks . Am assuming the reason it's called a Milking Parlour is because there is a lot of conversation 'twixt Farmer and MooCows

@paddycullivan It is unnaturally quiet. @boucherhayes

You know that thing where you stand up really quickly and then fall ov

Sort of miss being told off by @BoucherHayes.

@TWkNYC I think Everyone Who Is Not A Farmer

@ForagingIreland I sent you this didn't I "Ireland, 2012" pic.twitter.com/IPSeML0G

Anyone who thinks Farmers complain too much ought to spend three hours in a milking parlour in this weather. #cantfeelmyfeet

Excuse me, Mister Seat Toledo commercial man. It is NOT *Almost twelve O'Clock*. And thanks a million for scaring the life out of me

@wasteofgoodskin Rover. They're the cheapest, and least tempting

Dear Paddy O'Gorman. What is a Lived-In face please #todaypk

@obeoin Yesssssssssss

@wasteofgoodskin Or those Bourbon creams nobody wants

Just hanging around waiting for Paddy O'Gorman. #TodayPK Next person you hear will be me heh

I GOT you the Freedom of the BLASKETS after a lot of bureaucracy and red tape @ForagingIreland

@tconnellyRTE *Opens tin* Yep. Well there's a few.

#TinOBiscuits Please RT

Okay maybe there's a quicker way.

Right. The experiment begins. Am sending this #TinOBiscuits to @TConnellyrte in #Brussels Just to be all spicily international.

Will then see how long it takes for the #TinOBiscuits to come back , having been rewrapped a few times we hope

I'll start by sending the #TinOBiscuits to one person. Then they can pass it on (rewrapped, in traditional Irish way) to another.

The #TinOBiscuits could also provide a cheap and efficient alternative to #TheGathering2103

With this in mind, we at @Ireland are going to rekindle the true spirit of the Irish Christmas by RTing the #TinOBiscuits worldwide.

Studies have shown that there is only one Tin of Rover biscuits in the World #TinOBiscuits pic.twitter.com/UHf2s5Uh

Concerned that we as Irish people have lost the true meaning of Christmas. As everyone knows , A true Irish Christmas means #TinOBiscuits

@CathalMacCoille @morning_ireland Just proves what a well brought up young man you are. We were all thinking of a different word entirely.

#Todaypk *Porridge and Beetroot sandwich. On grey bread*

Things I like about #Sligo Episode 1. pic.twitter.com/38V4p7ef

@dermotcasey Right. I think I'll try something later. An experiment of sorts. #TinOBiscuits2013

@dermotcasey pic.twitter.com/XFle9qIl

@dermotcasey Ah blast it

broadsheet.ie/2012/11/28/the… Via @broadsheet_ie

Still hugely impressed that the consummate professional @tconnellyrte is still rattling off the EFSF thing without flinching or laughing.

@patquirke Probably

Way ahead of yih @JohnMoynes pic.twitter.com/lJnKUIj7

@JohnMoynes mmmm.

Saw this and thought about the economy for some reason pic.twitter.com/Ax6rL95o

@cathyby @dermotcasey Followed quickly by *Innisfree Cabin Fever* pic.twitter.com/qMVqFTvh

@dermotcasey Interesting. Was only thinking this morning about an alternative to The Gathering. Call it #TinOBiscuits2013.

Wait. What? @RTENewsNow . Thirteen year olds are having trouble paying mortgages and utility bills? Crikey. Things are worse than I thought

Oh no @lisa_pereira The Guard is upset too. After me saying to him *Listen, bud. I can get you on @morning_ireland* as he threw me in a cell

(via @graphjam) pic.twitter.com/BnxRwBsR

Bruce Springsteen is *coming to @Ireland* WHAT. Better get the hoover out

@lisa_pereira Got arrested yesterday for running away from a Guard, shouting I AM IRELAND.Shocked and disappointed it didn't get a mention.

Message from @aaroadwatch on @morning_ireland about treacherous conditions this morning. So just be aware of treachery folks

@morning_ireland @CathalMacCoille ...and E is for Europe. And F is for oh

@shanehegarty @stephenmulligan It's a Noptical illusion Shane.

@philipreel @shanehegarty You're quite right. It isn't.

And for those of you not near a Sky tonight, this handy erm thing @shanehegarty pic.twitter.com/i5TfRHTb

Guy shows up at door, says he heard about #TheGathering2013. Never seen or heard of him before. I bet that's going to happen, like, a LOT.

@cathyby @mrs_bopp @Claredaisy No, sillies. I *gasps* am IRELAND. So I was, of course, dressed appropriately: pic.twitter.com/gVchG8Ej

In fairness. @talktojoe1850 is demonstrating a kind of patience that can only really be described as Heroic #Liveline

We also sell these Magic Beans here. #Livelinhe

*Listens to hugely long, complex spiel*. Oooo yah. Sign me up. Then let a small bit of drool fall out of the corner of your mouth. #Liveline

WellI don't know about you lot but I personally can't wait till I get approached by someone from Banners Brokers. #Liveline #Bestfunever

@mrs_bopp You missed the erm interrogation part

Well @JohnMoynes I did a bad thing in the car. And then I got arrested. Now I'm being , ahem, *assessed* because of the @ireland thing

Selling impressions. Heh. Mostly bad ones. #liveline

Also on offer: Shares in Ben Bulbin and cans of turf smoke. Quick! Where do I sign #Liveline

What? He's selling Pyramids now #liveline

Listeniung to #liveline. I bet that guy sells a load of wristwatches from the lining of his coat too

Thanks for that. @Claredaisy Here's your Biro back. *Chucks handcuffs in ditch and runs*

Well that was humiliating.

@MarianKeyes Sarcasm . It's lovely. Keeps my skin so young looking *feels face*

*Excuse me Guard. Guard? ExCUSE me. Is there WiFi in this cell? Hello. HELLO. Wait a mi

*Look, Sergeant, I can prove it. Just go on Twitter. You'll see*. Sergeant goes *Twitter, you say?* and walks away, laughing hearty laugh

Am insisting I have to go back now . I AM IRELAND YOU KNEAU. Guards at desk making spirally gestures at side of heads, winking to each other

Bit of whispering going on with the Superintendent about getting The *You know* Doctor. And mention of tranquilizer gun

I just don't understand it. Am now in Garda Station, shouting *BUT I'M IRELAND. I'M ACTUALLY IRELAND. YOU CAN'T ARREST ME

@yarrumk Turns out that's not necessarily true

Uh . *Hello Guard. No it's okay. I have diplomatic immunity. No, I'm actually @Ireland this week...Pardon? No I will not step out of the c

Think I'll go out and do a few donuts on the N15 to celebrate.

Letter from RSA to say they've removed my penalty points. Wowe, this @Ireland gig just gets better and better.

Was expecting *Here. Smoke this, hold this pint of Lager in your right hand and read this ESB bill. Now hop on the treadmill please*

That went surprisingly well. Apparently @ireland is *normal* #stresstest

Off to get a Stress Test. Seriously. The irony is not lost on me

Have just been informed I now have Diplomatic Immunity in #Sligo. Which is good news because I have no money for the parking meter

@TheMire_net It's DonttellmeIllgetitinaminute01

Yes @declanganley Very handy. Especially when there's another #theincident

@TheMire_net MattressMick

I think I saw it buying booze in Enniskillen earlier independent.ie/national-news/…

If you find out, @declanganley , could you also ask if I can have one

@TheMire_net .Takes me ages to remember what my password is.

@wasteofgoodskin @bitoredfan @sligorovers Blast. Was hoping you'd have forgotten about Aine

@wasteofgoodskin Well they were good Goulding 10.10.20 fertilizer bags. Not just any old rubbish, those

@Emmett_Scanlon @RowenaNeville I don't remember any of that. Must be this green Nerve Gas

@SarahMcCrann You are completely right. Meant to fix that ages ago

Archipelagic icicles. Lord save us

@brenstrong Does he own Barry's pub. In that case yes

@RowenaNeville Am trying very hard to not get into trouble again. So far so good

@wasteofgoodskin Ah no. I kind of enjoyed it

Of course. @bitoredfan is right. We are saved. We still have @sligorovers #nocountryforoldmen

Also this means there's no real reason for Big Seamus to visit Sligo for the Poyms any more. Oh Nooooooo #Heaneyboppers #nocountryforoldmen

@wasteofgoodskin This is very bad. Very bad indeed

If it turns out Yeats really isn't down there then all we have left in #Sligo is #Westlife and ..........................ohLord. J*hn Wa*ers

So relieved. @MoSweeney1 has confirmed that half of us are actually not mad. #wellnotcompletely

@RowenaNeville Me too.

Brilliant @MoSweeney1 #nocountryforoldmen #Yeats

There's Bertie Monds, gravedigger. He's still around, fit as a flea #nocountryforoldmen @MoSweeney1

Minutes after #Nocounrtyforoldmen #sligo tourism calls an emergency meeting

#Yeats *Now that my Ladder's Gone...* #Nocountryforoldmen pic.twitter.com/XjpmvYoh

This might be a good time to recite a few oul' poyms for Ireland. Eh. Eh. Anyone

Seamus SquEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEaney *Swoon* #nocountryforoldmen #Heaneyboppers

@michaelhogannui @EduIreland You'd never think it to look at this Twitter feed

Mmmm. The old Steinach surgery. More appealing than Poached Rhino horn or a half a bag of Spanish Fly. #Nocountryforoldmen #Yeats

#nocountryforoldmen #Yeats meets Iseult Gonne McBride for the first time pic.twitter.com/SUhMbd9k

@TherealGerRyan I think that would be an excellent idea. How about a wee hashtag. #AnniesCarBootofIreland

@garymcginty @mosweeney1 The #Yeats *we buried some French guy instead* rumour still circulates . One of the gravediggers is still around.

#nocountryforoldmen #yeats meets Maud Gonne for the very first time pic.twitter.com/ahNPC6xn

Yep @FrancisBoylan My Granny played her first ever gig as Organist at his Funeral. #Nopressure #Yeats #Nocountryforoldmen

#Yeats not buried in #Sligo. Harumph. Pretty bad news for The Yeats Tavern, Yeats County Hotel and erm Yeats United F.C. #nocountryforoldmen

Dear Leo Varadkar. Gift is a Noun.

If you hurry up, the #PreviouslyOn #Homeland bit is just starting. Should be finished by 9

Ah no@faduda . If #homeland was Irish, Brody would be going *bluuurp.....buuu....pluuurrrrp....uuurrrrp ...gurgle.....urrrg....BANG #kegged

*We all missed something that day*. Like, episodes one , three and four. Nobody noticed. #homeland

Let me guess. #Homeland . Hysterical fully recognisable CIA agent bursts out of *another*Van, runs across car park shouting *I can DO this*

Oh No. #Homeland is on tonight. Does that mean we have to watch it

@BMacGo Have them all.

@ghook Yes

Everybody wants #Leitrim. What's going on.

Just to say, @BigBoyler If you win the #freedom of the County you get to be like William Wallace and shout FREEDOM while being disembowelled

Doesn't anyone want Louth? Low maintenance. Cute. Compact. #freedom

@missyu Well @BigBoyler is a charming decent handsome modest and hygienic person so whatever it was it must have been dreadful.

@kevin_dublin Do you mind sharing with @sarahrodeo

Would take #Sligo but I think I might be #barred . After, you know, #theincident @EI_MBoyle

@Bothargoat @wasteofgoodskin Hoo HOO. Yeah.

No, #Roscommon is taken. @BigBoyler has that

Am giving out Freedoms this afternoon. One at a time please. I say. Steady on there. No, just ONE County per applicant.

Right. Seeing as @BigBoyler has been given the freedom of #Roscommon. Does anyone want the Freedom of #Sligo. Or ,erm, County of your choice

@StephenC_Ward Ooo nice. Will try that next time

@CGoldDIYGarden Saw a couple of things. But then Nigel saw me lurking in the yard so I ran

@cathyby Did I? oh.

Charity bag packers at the grocer's. *Yes, young man, you may pack my bags. But I want the groceries to be packed alphabetically please*

#LoveHate pic.twitter.com/NVjQT27y

@franmcnulty O really. Verily where is this picture of which you speak

@chiefofstaff It's OK. I closed it. PS When was the last time you hoovered.

Might throw a party later. Because I can

JE SUIS ARRIVEÉ. @FranMcNulty is following me. *Swoon* at last....at last....must've been that tin o' Lynx I emptied over self this morning

Ah no.@Bothargoat @Bothar We do like you. But we still want to know how is it possible that you might be lactating. Being a boy and all

@chiefofstaff Not at all. PS. Your back kitchen window is open

Am in @CGoldDIYGarden. Mooching. #Sligo

@ForagingIreland Knew you'd ask. Sadly I am under orders.

Turns out THIS is what it's like in the @Ireland Curator's office youtube.com/watch?v=mS5WLk…

Instead I got this: pic.twitter.com/9slZdcef

Hugely disappointed. When I was told I'd be @Ireland I kind of expected this pic.twitter.com/k6wj0g4o

Why is it that every time someone mentions that they might be C of I, there follows a huge argument about whether it's a Press or a cupboard

Or just everybody.

Or better still. Why don't I just follow all the ladies with huge knockers who promise me *Thousands of followers* if I follow them

@DamianMorrissey I think so.

Pardon @Conected69 ? A Press? I think the word you're searching for is CUPBOARD

And seeing as @ireland is #Protestant all week we'll have no bad language please. Many thanks

Sorry. I fell.

Agh. There's the @IrishCoastGuard buzzing the office again. What on earth could they possibly wa

@SimonPRepublic Way ahead of you sweetheart.

Yes, it's true. @Ireland is Protestant all this week

Excuse me Sir @fractality I am Protestant. Am attempting to Block myself now

RTE online crashed due to the sudden blinding realisation of the enormity of the Implications of the J*hn Wa*ers Journalism course

In fairness @SimonPRepublic I think that stampede of unfollows may have started sometime yesterday

@LukeMBowley Aww that'd be so mean. Anyway if Sweden has to go then what about Norway and Denmark. They'd feel all left out

@JohnMoynes Heh. Yeah.

*Wonders* Am I allowed to block people. That'd be pretty funny

Hmm well @beatingblog I'm told the only Website Jo*n Wa*ers has is in his Trophy Cabinet

Trying to think of a new word to describe a smug smile. Came up with erm Smile

Jo*n Wa*ers smiles a little smile as one of his handlers mentions he is *Trending on Twitter*. *So....that's good, right?*

Somebody talking on #TodayPK about smuggling a Blanky into DeValera in prison. #what

Well we've been tweeting about #JohnWatersInTheNip for ages but thanks to @broadsheet_ie we now get to keep that image forever

Am about to Retweet a thing. Please be aware this RT contains images that some viewers may find upsetting.

@TherealGerRyan @urchinette @colettebrowne @davidcochrane No.

@TherealGerRyan @urchinette @colettebrowne @davidcochrane Would very much like to see what the actual Diploma looks like. *sharpens pencil*

@TherealGerRyan @urchinette @colettebrowne @davidcochrane Hang on. Is this *Diploma In Journalism* from the *Pretend College Of Jornalism*

@TherealGerRyan @urchinette @colettebrowne @davidcochrane Surprised he didn't throw in a couple of Nude Life Drawing Classes as well.

@TherealGerRyan @urchinette @colettebrowne @davidcochrane What. What. What did I mi...........

Fun game for today. Find this Famous Metaphorical Can. Nail Can to Road. Then fill Can with Cement and wait. #kickthecandowntheroad #todaypk

Getting funny looks from people in this office. Even though I told them it was a genuine accident and I promised to buy a new door

@Bethesda213 Morning

@FeargalOC He was very polite, it turns out

Cian McCormack asks Pensioner: *Do you have a message for the Minister for Finance?* Everyone in @morning_ireland studio braces themselves

@wasteofgoodskin God how I wish.

@suzybie Oh God. What time is it *looks up , bleary eyed*

Very hard to get used to getting proper serious answers to silly questions. I guess most of you haven't met me

@ConorWilson Going to burst out crying in a minute. Bloody trees. Bloody bloody trees. *SNAPS pencil in half*

You know you've finally made it to the finish line when you discover your eldest daughter is nicking your favourite clothes.Sighs with Pride

@sonyaLennon Even an ould Jaunty Sash or something. Just to tidy self up a bit.

Sigh.Bring me more paper please

That point where one realises this bit of artwork is going nowhere but the Bin. Have reached that point despite heroic measures to save it

Why is RTE showing Saorview commercials? Surely if you don't have a Saorview box then how can you see the Commercial.

@NiamhPitts Although. Hmmm. Tommy. Hmmm. Yep.

@NiamhPitts I was thinking sort of 99.9% of it should be Elmo.

Hmmmm George Lee talking to people about Where All Their Tax Money Goes. Hmmm. #rtetax pic.twitter.com/dSDudVy5

Making a #LoveHate Pie chart. A Pie Chart that clearly shows, with coloured segments, who is most likely to be whacked next week

@JohnMcMahonIrl What is @endafacts please. Or should I say, more correctly, what @endafacts please

@timmygadget I mean, Sir, Sir.

@timmygadget anniewestdotcom Ma'am

That's what keeps me young, you kneau. Annoying @mcculld

@IrPsych I could appear at any moment.

@Rich_Chambers @rte_sport pic.twitter.com/v0tkh5Mb

@j_goddy @sextonireland Choking on a Chicken bone

Sigh. Dear @RTE_Sport. *Ask* is a verb. Not a noun. Not even a big noun. #BigAsk

@j_goddy @sextonireland Erm. Sounds like something you'd say if you had a Fish Bone stuck in your throat.

@mcculld Sorry about the Tourist thing. Didn't mean it. Really . No really.

@ErnestBPopwick Mmmm

Says here I should follow the European Commission. Heh. Yeah right. Oh

@TheEvertBopp Sorry bud. . Sigh

@bazlyons Might accidentally on purpose leave back door open

Just noticed the Avatar. Kind of looks like I'm being sprayed with some kind of Shamrocky Nerve Gas.

@deecf More like *enraged/ terrified*

Which is weird because as everyone ought to know, the @BrendanCourtney Monument is in Parnell Square.

I got two *Oh yes the @BrendanCourtney Monument is in the front square in Trinity* and one *I think it's on Talbot Street*.

Tourists! Another fun thing to do. Walk up and down asking *Where can I find the @BrendanCourtney Monument please* I did that one day >>

Good day today. Only got cautioned by the Guards once. Well so far anyway

@WiseMona Giving it hell. For Ireland.

@kealycopy Only advice I can think of at this minute is to move quickly in the opposite direction.

@sextonireland @j_goddy I think it could work. Have to put in Hockey as well though

@Beanmimo Thanks awfully

@dublinbermia Will have a go.

@aoiph Yes. Exactly.

@bazlyons Thanks

@rickoshea But I've already started. Blast

@alan_butler Your avatar is making me dizzy.

What is GAA rugby please? @MobstatsMob

@sonyalennon Am hiding under the desk hoping nobody notices the state of self. #sartorialmortification

@alan_butler Oh Hell. Oh sorry. I meant that clever @alan_maguire

@sonyalennon I need to look tidier. I need to look tidy.

@alan_butler Erm huh?

@berniequinn @magnumlady Aw I dunno. I'd miss him.

Tourists! Another fun thing to do. Go to Merrion Street at 6.05 and stand behind this man @mcculld waving and grinning.#TraditionalGreeting

@NLIreland @OhBlimey Yes. Well the ones that haven't been . erm. *Compromised*. #theincident

@magnumlady Thank you. Am completely stressed out

@PowersFlowers If you read the American declaration of independence they cherif their Life, liberty and the purfuit of happineff

@garethoconnor The trick is to make it look like it's completely normal.

JOHN. @JohnMoynes. JOHN

Tourists! Another fun thing to do when visiting Ireland. Walk down main street shouting *JOHN!... JOHN!*. Everyone turns round. Even women.

@garethoconnor Sort of. I fell over a few times. Embarassing

Another amazing place to visit. The Bathrooms in the @NLIreland. They have armchairs and everything

Yes. As @Alan_Butler has pointed out. That Bothar BOY Goat claims to be a *Milk Making Machine*. Yes. Well. We'll watch that with interest.

A must visit in Dublin anyway. The Library Bar at the Central Hotel Exchequer St. Lovely Bread & Butter pudding. Comfy chairs. @IrishBinka

@rickoshea You know that bit where Mary Poppins sings *Staaayyyy awaaaaaaaaake, don't nod yer head*. I've never seen the rest of the movie

@AthyMensShed Not bad. Only a couple of bouts of #theincident so far

@alan_maguire @sweden NO

@j_goddy I could not fail to disagree with you less

@rickoshea Play looped tape of Oireachtas report. Works like a charm.

Accidentally opened the Fire door . Blast of icy rainy wind blew in. Papers everywhere. Staff of Ireland glaring at me and muttering

@conorjh That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week. I think

#Liveline promo mentions Tea *for when the neighbours drop by for a chat*. That usually means one of my kids has gone and done something

@Donal_OKeeffe Pretty shocking all right. burble burble

@michaelhogannui Well yes. I certainly hope so

@Writersweek Oh. erm. whups

Turns out Listowel KitKats are nicer than Sligo KitKats. Might be the night they spent *maturing* in the An Post sorting office @writersweek

@Moloch50 Oh all right then

See? SEE? @writersweek SUPERefficient. Caring. Generous. pic.twitter.com/krfLmaR8

@decb Want Heritage? Nobody else does

@michaelhogannui Amount of available chocolate

Woman on #NewsAtOne: *I feel like an idiot going to work*. Yay. Me too

Introducing a new Tax . There will be a 95% income levy on radio commercials that think they're funny.

I'm sorry @AlanRiain but you failed to neautice that I gave @boucherhayes Environment. So now the job is yours.

@DulachG That job is gone unfortunately.

@boucherhayes No.

HELLO GERMANY @Lu_Honeychurch

@berniequinn Would you like Donegal

@boucherhayes Oh really. You have to personally inspect everyone's septic tanks. This afternoon. Run along now.

Just for that Mister smarty @boucherhayes I'm making you Minister for the Environment.

Morto. MORTO pic.twitter.com/24HekPXU

@Jim_Sheridan The Queen of Ireland? But I thought that was #nevermind

Think you might be working too hard @JeremyTaxman If you're in Dept of Finance you're just supposed to sit around looking at things.

Seeing as I'm in charge of Ireland I think I'll put someone else into Dept of Finance. Anyone want that job? Anyone?...... Hello?

@davemolloy Yes all right. You can have Cavan. Just be careful what you say in public.

@TherealGerRyan You can have Wicklow. All of it.

@RayKennedyHack Well we could have some kind of incident or other and then Paul Reynolds will be here anyway

A Copper being stripped #Liveline? oooer. Where. Where

@RayKennedyHack Got any biscuits Ray. Dying here.

Am a scruffy mess. Everyone here is wearing a suit. Help @sonyalennon . Probably too late

Might recite some lovely Irish Poyms later. Like, you know, literature an that

@Donal_OKeeffe Ah here. There was no mention of that in the contract

As if that wasn't embarassing enough. Walking to canteen, turned to make gesture at coworker and walked straight into Ficus plant

Aw @lexia That is very kind of you. But if I don't get tea soon I'm going to throw a monster fit.

@Writersweek @anniewestdotcom Oh? *Runs back home*

And then as if that wasn't bad enough I realised I'd been walking around with *Kick me* sign on back. Thanks a million, kids.

He just glared at me and continued typing

So embarassing. Went to one of the suits and asked in tiny voice when is Tea Break please.

@LesHaricotsVert All of them.

@BriKi I could try and ask the Coast Guard .

Am on biscuit rampage through Ireland. This is as close as anyone could get to being Oliver Cromwell

@fractality @sweden It's a thing. Somebody magics it on every week.

@LesHaricotsVert Nope.

@sashatarr Sure. Here. You're in charge of Kilkenny

What do you mean there's no Tea Break. WHAT

Nearly elevenses.Am dying here. Waiting for someone to move so I can follow them to the Tea Break Room.

@maireos Only eight so far

@NiallOK That's correct.

@NiallOK No I pronounce them TarantAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Well @cathyby @GTCost The pit of Tarantulas is already here. Apparently it's under my desk

@sashatarr Fair point. Will be careful.

All I can find is Custard Creams. This is very bad news @misteil

@AineNiB Should have brought #eddiethedog

@clarevirtually Anything with chocolate in it is always welcome

@eamonambrose Oh and where might that other establishment be. Do tell

They've given me a swivel chair. A really big one. This will not end well

@OwensDamien Name your County. It shall be yours.

Oh Lordy. Everyone's wearing suits. All the desks are really tidy. I was expecting something a bit scruffier . Like @hotpress magazine

Where are the KitKats. Excuse me. Where are the KitKats. KIT KATS. ...................................................................WHAT

Yes well @rickoshea I might be gone in ten minutes unless someone shows me WHERE the KitKats are KEPT

Oh No! @NLIreland I forgot my Tuck Money

@JohnMoynes This is going to play havoc with my hearing aid.

@alsoharryshine Oh. Well it turns out you were right.

Where's my desk please. Where's my desk please. Hello. Where's my desk please. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hello. Excuse me. Where is my desk pl

You know that scene in Men in Black when J walks into the Control Centre for the first time . Well that's exactly what this is like

*Pushes open massive Georgian door* Cripes. This place is huge.