@Ireland Curator: Colm O'Regan

That's it from me. You can follow me at @colmoregan but give me ten minutes to light a fire and tidy up before ye call. Goodbye!

Next week's curator is @powerian. Make him welcome (although I will be undermining him through informal contacts with grassroots members)

Working on farewell speech: I have done the state some service/Maybe I didn't love you as much as I should/We must fight them on the beaches

@runningwhio Writing memoirs. My outwardly cuddly nature makes me a shoe-in for loving media coverage that glosses over cabinet decisions

@Donoghue_David it's in line with benchmarking so it's looking like a million dollars. Literally.

@lukemcmanus that tweet places me in an awkward position. I know you but the pun was such that it really has to be reported to Pat Rabbitte

@LiamDelaneyEcon these intractable problems were a result of 7 days of mismanagement under my predecessor @lukemcmanus

In the interests of maintaining the dignity of the office of Leader of @Ireland I won't be revealing the precise details of my severance.

@davidmg7 Thanks, colmoregan

@lukemcmanus @louisasantoro inevitably when you make big decisions there will be some unpalatable measures but in the national interest....

@lukemcmanus I didn't party. I went to a few parties but left because they were sausage fests.

When I took over @Ireland we were in trouble. I leave now having beaten our budget deficit target. #claimingcredit #thatshowpoliticsworks

@DangerFarm exactly. I have never seen them anywhere else apart maybe from those tribunal stock footage bits. So yes your point still holds

Frank you always believed in me. I want you to have this .... No take it. I won't need it where I'm going (Frank is the 'loyal old guy')

1 hour left running @ireland. Just packing my stuff up into one of those boxes they have in a movie that signifies a controversial job exit

@horseymatilda good idea except I'll need a kango to dig a hole. #whenisaidgardenimeantyard

The stripped Christmas tree is out in the garden now plotting with some other disaffected plants (a neglected lavender bush & unkempt hedge)

Un-decorating the Christmas tree is like courtmartialling a popular soldier who's only crime was to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

@wasteofgoodskin @eamonambrose hoist by your own custard.

@wasteofgoodskin @eamonambrose This stops now. Because these are getting more and more half baked. ... Ok NOW it stops.

@TheHappyVeggie yeah. Although running a country only takes a few hours a week. Most of the country runs itself. I just open the gates

@eamonambrose fair enough. I understand how you filo

My planned putsch has failed so four hours left at @Ireland and I'm going out with guns blazing: The following people are having affairs:

@eamonambrose I'll give you 2 minutes to delete that tweet or else I'm calling Pat Rabbitte and asking him to raise it in a misguided speech

Enjoyed running @Ireland. So much so I've changed the constitution and am now Tweeter For Life. Any opposition will be dealt with severely.

" At first I was a glade, then I was petrified." Fossilised forest tells its tale to reporters.

@MartinaDunne I can't. It's a compulsion. I didn't even remember writing that last tweet.

Trying stick to healthy eating in the New Year is proving to be a complete pain au chocolat.

The Brazilian prison smuggling cat would make a great star in a gritty Michael Mann directed crime movie. It was already in heat.

@landsleaving that's pretty much what I had in mind.

That Brazilian cat prison smuggler story is brilliant. Am just imagining the look of contempt the cat is giving its interrogators.

@realmuttley no probs. just have your toiletries in a clear plastic bag.

@Spleck89 maybe your team mates were out of tune with you

@TymCon In a way twitter is like a walk in the Internet. Though bring a scarf, there's a lot of wind here.

Love early #gaa season cups. Experimental rules are trialled. E.g. In today's O'Byrne cup, teams have to play with a song in their hearts

@realmuttley dude needs to be cool. I'll tell him if you like. Prob after my stint here I'll be nominated to some sort of ambassadorial role

How are those new years resolutions coming along? Mine - to be cooler than being cool (ice cold) - is going fine.

Listening to willie frazer on @thisweekrte about #flags protest in Dublin. I think he has a point. Just don't know what that point is.

@Tupp_Ed why?

@_StephenGormley yes and every time I succumb to product placement I find the minty freshness of wrigleys extra gets me back on track

Superquinn hot chicken-wrap. I'm on you.

@ccferrie brilliant . Saw them at @electricpicnic and their wedding band Prison Love is cracking as well

Listening to @idrawslow 's album 'Downside' for the 156th time. The cd player knows it by heart now.

@hoss We will probably need you also for some promo shots and an ill advised appearance on a celebrity panel show if that's ok

And @williamcorless as the 12001st follower I'm putting you in charge of the next 11999. Don't take any shite from them.

Congratulations @hoss 12000th follower. Your prize is a voucher for Twitter.

@bigrig480 Only if leading people to the promised land means asking is anyone up for a pint.

@TheHappyVeggie Believe me I reread that one a number of times.

Let's get @ireland over 12000 followers. >12000 means the account has cult status. <12000 means it might be some sort of cult.

Ireland has had a meeting and issued the following statement: "While the weather is wettish at least it's not snowing."

If the Love Ulster flag protest comes to Dublin can we just leave them be apart from 1 large sign they can't miss which just says "GROW UP"

Our 25000th tweet. Think about it - that's a few million 'characters'. A bit like Ireland.

Forget the #KPMG girl. This is what the Internet is for: a dog playing with an otter m.wimp.com/otterdog/

@OwensDamien did that follow the Granny's Tablets alarm?

@OwensDamien that wasn't an alarm about the economy overheating was it? I remember taking the batteries out of that one.

@HmongVillage @asduiop Are Hmong in the film Gran Torino? Did the community like that film?

@psneeze I wasn't expecting a reply to that one but the ball I thought had been knocked out of the park was caught in a miraculous leap.

@jevoislafemme I'll need to look up Wikipedia again. I was only using it for men because it began with men #thatsthelevelyouredealingwith

@jevoislafemme Must be a kick in the teeth for any Bolsheviks though. How about Menshevik :)

@jevoislafemme Yeah you're right. Pity though. Such a great word. We need a male role model for feisty.

@geckoinpdx Duly consoled.

@jevoislafemme Out of curiosity, do you know when it became associated only with women, children and old people? Is it recently?

@psneeze Everyone's a diacritic.

The correct pronunciation of John Boehner's name is an infringement of our right to make Boner jokes.

@HmongVillage @asduiop Yes fair enough I suppose we are lucky in what we have to complain about. Are there many Hmong in Ireland?

@asduiop no

What's this about the Irish newspapers charging for Lynx? Are they cheaper than Boots?

Sorry may be offline for a while. After that last tweet a group of angry villagers appears to have gathered with torches at the door.

#badmadeupjokes time Why did Ireland's Eye? Because Macgillicuddy Reeks

@Kilkennybaby Bright yellow mirifiori! Hipster blogs have crashed on less.

"3", "6", "the two are not linked" & "about 400 million", Some of the actual answers to questions posed in Dylan's 'Blowin In The Wind'

People can be so choo-choosy: "Irish Rail told to keep the noise down (via @thejournal_ie) jrnl.ie/738967 "

Can't help feeling that there's another Gathering going on of monsters, ghouls and vampires and that Cork pothole was their portal.

@Kilkennybaby thanks , for a baby you are a great judge of character!

@sarsbradley she does although she's badly shook by the end of series 1

@reallyharrystop thanks for reminding me! Need to stock up on both :)

Thursday of short post-Xmas week feels weird. Even though the w/e is near feel haven't done anything to earn it, like I've stolen a w/e

NASA have called it: RT @NASAStretchDetector The stretch in the evenings has been upgraded from None to Bitofa

@maireos @deshocks ah they were more innocent times for tv evil.

'Shoulder Face'. On a TV show, the expression worn during a hug where one person has a dark secret. Occurs every 8 minutes on 'Revenge'.

@aldunne @EmilyAM You know the drill Detective. Please hand me your mouse & keyboard. Don't make this any more difficult than it is already.

@trontsephore :) By the way how did you get verified. Is that Photoshopped?

@aldunne @EmilyAM Now DANCE!

@aldunne @EmilyAM Yup me too. BTW Alan, you better be actually reeling or there'll be a can of pedantic-whup-ass for misuse of literally :)

@paddycullivan Haha you're afraid of a tiny little gaudily coloured dinky car hahahah....there's one standing behind me now isn't there?

@trontsephore @EmilyAM Oh I thought it was the pronunciation itself that was annoying. I am a full supporter of both police forces!

@_StephenGormley Absolutely - and you just reminded me of another flaw. See previous tweet.

And another thing about the new 131 reg plates - what about the poor unfortunates with an irrational fear of the Fiat Mirifiori ?

Ireland waits for the toasted sandwich maker in canteen. Colleague: "How did you get over the Christmas?" Ireland: "It was grand now, quiet"

@jenoconnell Sign your own name and give an impassioned speech about role models for teenage girls. Just to see the expression on her face.

@Jim_Sheridan Hitting hip off the corner of a desk, standing on an upturned plug while wearing socks. Oh yes Fate has a lot of shit in store

@Smartheat "Don't tempt me" said Fate.

Ireland's new year reg plates will be 131 instead of 13. If I was Fate I'd be thinking "wise guys eh.."

"Broken?! WTF! I double checked that just before I heading out for the 12 Pubs" said You in disbelief as you scrolled the email.

[insert your name] looked at the screen. The straggly tinsel sellotaped to the monitor framed the 239 unread emails mockingly.

Ireland returned to work this morning and saw the nearly empty Roses Tin of Despair in the Open-Plan Office Of Melancholy.

Offtwine for a while watching a load of "Revenge" episodes. It's sort of good - like breaded fish.

@glynes I'll take it. A third is better than a turd as I always say. (I don't always say this)

@DianaJSpencer I've seen the photos. Whatever happened that hat since?

@davidmg7 @PeopleOfUK Is there any escape?

@PeopleOfUK It's when I try to Ctrl+Z during a row that I feel it most.

@PeopleOfUK Agree but have you ever looked for a physical book on a shelf and then involuntarily tried to google it in your head?

@RositaBoland I must confess it came from a World's Best Graffiti book from 20 yrs ago. "I'm a fairy. My name is Nuff. Fairy Nuff."

@spiller2 That's what the other 77% are thinking.

@TalentCoop Exactly and HNYTYT

@Brynmorbeer Fair enough but you must know that liking bad jokes is a high risk activity and you can get hurt from time to time.

@irisholeary10 You're welcome. "I'll see what I can do" clearly meant "I'll think for a while, come up with nothing and then just retweet"

@craig_hopton Thanks - but I'm not proud.

@jjb970 Thanks but remember that bad jokes prosper when good people giggle.

@LorcanRK It was everywhere and nowhere.

@LillyLyle :)

@RositaBoland fairynuff I was just butting in w/ a gag about Quinns and being unexpectedly dispatched somewhere, Ukraine, Fermanagh etc.

@SarahKenny2 Tks Sarah - had never heard of it until you mentioned it. Finding a lost county gives a little thrill. Maybe they had unicorns.

@IrishBinka Happy New Year Binka - Did that smell go away by the way?

@treganblue Hi Tom. You must be [insert long sentence with the phrase cousin once-removed featuring in it a number of times] :) HNY!

@davidmg7 You read it out loud? Oh, these ones are not designed to be taken aurally. I'd better put that on the label.

@m2thefizzle Someone just retweeted it. (Said he using a completely made up word but that's different, I think.)

@MaryECostello We don't talk about that. Oh wait, we do. All the time.

@m2thefizzle @Flexbrowne If I ruled Europe, which I do, these would not be peeves but a Bill of Rights.

@RositaBoland @mariadkennedy @urchinette @sineadgleeson with a caveat like that you're in like Quinn.

Ireland & EU are 40 years married today. Sniping at each other, both thinking the other owes them bigtime but 'shur who else would have us?'

@JeremyTaxman @LorcanRK That's not a county though it's spelled very similarly.

@LillyLyle :) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T%C3%ADr_… But as it's utopic I suspect it has the best egg na nog anywhere in the world.

@Tumedel Have you seen what I've been writing? :) I think it started with Sweden. It gives a bit of variety I suppose.

Re Ireland's 12 fictitious counties from earlier: They are mostly related to Rezoning, Headage Payments and Tír na nÓg.

@IamFulchy Wow! I think you may also have been given The Gift. Meet me at the Old Mill. No police or I don't show.

Hey Arms Manufacturers! What are your New Year's Revolutions?

8:50pm on January 1st: Absolute peak time for consumption of chocolate digestives and tea in a mug.

Final #badmadeupjoke of the day: Why did the apple miss out on promotion in the fruit bowl? He couldn't speak mandarin.

My two #madeupjokes were so bad that some people unretweeted - perhaps the most damning reaction of all. They'll hate the next one.

@posh @MC_StallmanVEVO @Derginet Then set up the Wales one.

@posh @MC_StallmanVEVO @Derginet Totally agree. Why don't one of ye apply?

@shamernick m.wikihow.com/Attach-Roof-Fe… :)

Hear about the man who went on the Witness Protection Programme? No? Good, the security breach is not as bad as we feared. #badmadeupjokes

Why did the roofer - who specialised in flat roofs - quit his job? He was tired of getting felt up. CMONNNNNNN #badmadeupjokes

Offline for a few hours. I leave you with two bad jokes I just made up. #badmadeupjokes

If I was Kim Jong Un I'd begin every speech with: And I think I speak for everyone when I say...

@jilloherlihy Sorry you didn't word your mince in time. There's milk though. The surprise is there's no mince.

@susankilkenny @gaffo63 As president of Europe I'm sending you all on holiday. Leaving a note for next week's guy to sort out the details.

@anniewestdotcom This should really have gone into Your Country Your Call.

Time for some #IrelandFacts: The island of Ireland consists of 32 real counties and 12 fictitious ones.

@anniewestdotcom Good luck to the Twitter sleuth tracing the provenance of that abomination.

@TrishDunlop Not only shall you receive all the Chomps you need but also a magic golden coin. (You reminded me I wanted a chomp too)

@susankilkenny But you are special. Your husband er... Mr CullenKilkenny contacted me AGES ago and I designed a bespoke one for you myself.

@LiamUnderpar Initially I misread your username and thought: The fecker can go to the shop himself, it's only upstairs.

@wyvernfriend That's relatively high as about 35% are thinking Nothing At All

@anniewestdotcom Had a go and best I could come up with was Animal Lecter. Sorry. #calfarsed

@MacAnBhaird If Sir would like to step over here for a few routine inquiries....

@brianocofaigh I got you Spar Jam.

@ZwartblesIE I got some. Oh you drank the coffee in the meantime and burnt your tongue? Sorry, I went as fast as I could.

@BrendaDrumm Ah 'chasing the dragon' I see.

@annemariewyley The Tories

@mickcreagh They were out of Curly-Wurlies but the other two are in here somewhere. #enigmaticreply #iknowimatool

@anniewestdotcom We HAVE calf nuts! I got three bags the last time....They're GONE already?! Who the...?! *glares at calf*

@pdrgmrdt Some Kinders have a foie gras like substance in them but I think that might just be if they're past the sell-by date.

@hannigancork Just a few bits. We'll do a Proper Shop Tomorrow.

So that's 8 packets of minstrels, 2 rolo, a firelog, Mighty Munch "NOT THE WALKERS ONES", milk and The Guards.

@MattsoH Yes I find it adds texture and the black pudding envelopes the whole tableau in a warm taste of home.

@anniewestdotcom I'm going to spar, not lidl.

@MattsoH Where I'm going you get beaten up for asking for ricotta. I'll get you a breakfast roll.

I'm going to the shop - anyone want anything?

@AlexaDWilson You scared me there for a second. I thought there was going to be a repetition of CeadMileFailteGate (see yesterday's tweet)

23% of you are having this internal monologue: "Shite, I'm supposed to be [insert resolution]..ah feck it. No one starts on the 1st anyway"

Just fulfilling the public service remit of the account: Today is Tuesday. I know some people were wondering.

The country wakes up, realises there's no milk & wonders if the guy conked out on the sofa is something to do with The Gathering

@irisholeary10 I'll see what I can do

@ctpaycc we sent it onto ye. It should be there in a few hours. It might have a few marks on it.

Welcome to @ireland all you Gatheringers. Don't mind the mess. We're having work done.

Happy New from @ireland to @Europe @thewholeworld, @thesolarsystem @theuniverse and @Dripsey . I think that's everyone.

Only two hours to go to the New Year at the house party where no one notices the time until eleven minutes past.

@Eanair he was but he was frozen out after that.

@Cahirpark same to you. Take cahir!

@eamonambrose which left us with no protection, just excuses.

At one stage the way to Narnia from Ireland was through a wardrobe but then they built The Bypass #IrelandFacts

@icecreamvan Kimye - sounds like an active ingredient in Plenitude Action Daily Moisture Lotion.

@frankhannigan Tenner eh? That's not a bad name. Just need a batshit one to go with it.

@fre4077 I was literally looking around the room and had dismissed Handle as being too plausible.

Fiscal cliff fiscal shmiff. We've jumped off 5 in a row here in Ireland. Half the time we weren't even forced to. We just lost our footing.

Any chance at all that Kanye and Kim will give the child a sensible name like Úna or Rory or will it be something showbiz like Radiator-Elan

Má tá uait rud a dhéanamh, iarraidh ar fhear a bhfuil veist hi-vis air (If you want something done ask a man in a hi-vis vest) #irishsayings

@DeVore I know :( It's a typo. Like weclomes :) I'm gutted about it. #aperfectlygoodtweetruined

Off for a little while. In the meantime, I'm sharing the Love. youtube.com/watch?v=Q1L11Y…

. @TrendsDublin Cough... It's Ireland / Colm actually. The force is no longer with Luke.

#2013predictions #LoveHate video Gangland Style goes viral. Nidge does pigeon dance as backing group helps the guards with their inquiries

It's been pointed out (@Jim_Sheridan) that as Ireland has the EU presidency & I have @ireland then I am president of EU. Look busy.

@IrishFarmerette FIFA PS3 behind you? I think that makes you offside.

@so_simple_simon thanks for correcting the typo. A good samaritan of the internet!

#2013predictions Apple release the ii. A tablet for pirates and scurvy dogs.

@form_architect It was only shnakey fellas used that among themselves. The shnakes.

@Ian26Manning No idea. Probably nothing else happening.

@jpaudouy We had beet then we closed down the factory because we wanted to build appartments instead.

@MWhalan With pretty boy looks like mine, even a camera gets jealous.

@jpaudouy Yeahy! we're first now.

@GCollins_Galway I know . It was a typo and it hurts so bad.

@JoBW I know and it was impossible to forge because you can't fake a smirk.

#2013predictions Panic sweeps world as Ancient Mayan text is revealed to read "Oh sorry I forgot to carry the 1. It's actually 2013 I meant"

#2013predictions Filming of Game of Thrones in the North disrupted by loyalists furious at a scene where a 'royal-looking' flag is lowered.

What are your predictions for The New Year? #2013predictions. The best ones I'll note and use later without crediting. #writerseh

Áit a bhíonn deatach, bíonn téitheoir lasmuigh (Where there's smoke there's an outdoor heater) #irishsayings

@Jim_Sheridan It depended on what kind of a perch you had.

Economy: The unit of currency in Ireland before the euro was the Smirk. A Smirk was equal to 100 Nudges. #IrelandFacts

Ná bi ag labhairt le gealbhan. Ní bheidh a fhios aige cad ata á rá agat - Don't try to talk to a sparrow. It won't know what you are saying.

Is fearr briosca ná galar. (A biscuit is better than a disease) #irishsayings

Also this week I show the world the lyrical beauty and earthy power of Irish by sharing with you my favourite seanfocail (wise sayings)

Aargh extra nine in that last tweet. Disaster

Ireland is actually the land of 999,785 welcomes. A recount found a number to be halfhearted and at least 10 were sarcastic #IrelandFacts

Really struggling to eat another raw egg. Difficult second albumen.

@fractality Mate as in friend. Then translated to text. Then followed by gales of laughter. That was the plan. Will try harder next time!

@thatdenisegirl_ good. You were treated well I hope?

@PaulAnthonyWard you'd want it with that wind

What is Ireland's friendliest motorway? The M8! #motorwayjokes

Ireland is the world's second neediest island. Only Réunion wants to be your friend more. (Source: CIA handbook) #IrelandFacts

Tonight kicks off The Gathering, the EU presidency (the Blathering) & NYE drunken encounters with long-term consequences (the Fathering)

Ireland is the only country built entirely without planning permission. It was supposed to be smaller and 'over there' #IrelandFacts

Mind you I can't understand how anyone COULD be unfamiliar with Ireland given we've been advertising ourselves since Colmcille.

This week in honour of @GatheringIRL I will be tweeting a lot of important facts and information to anyone not familiar with the country.

My profile photo is of me standing on front of a giantess's debs dress.

I'm a comedian, author and chronicler of the public service announcements of @irishmammies

Hello, @colmoregan here. I'll be @ireland for a week. I'm from Dripsey, one time home of the world's shortest St. Patrick's Day Parade